Ok im just out of therapy and my head is spinning big time…so much im trying to think about at once and so much that I am trying to work out and process and figure out now..ill admit she has given me tons to think about and maybe with writing ill be able to remember some of what we talked about..im supposed to write about and think about a couple things..but I have to write to think..and well all of my thinking mostly leads to writing ..so yeah… but im supposed to think about why I feel that I have to protect the world from myself..and how my life would be different if I was happy…the happy one I know ive written about before but it keeps coming up…I still don’t know what makes me happy..or what it is going to take for me to be happy..i just want peace of mind..i want quiet..i wish I could be happy…but im going to hold off on that one because I do want to write about the protection part of it…that conversation really did make me think and well I was thinking so much that I got confused as all heck…linda was right today..and I think that worries me a bit..like she is figuring me out..and no one is able to figure me out..and she is…that makes me nervous…like ive said to much or talked to much…I realized today that I am talking to her..like really talking to her..and its different and it happened slowly and maybe that is why I didn’t notice.. but she was true in that I do hide from the world..i hide from a lot of things and well as much as I try to protect myself from the world..i feel the need to protect the world from me..i feel like I have to protect other people from me..and from my craziness..i feel like I have to protect linda from me and all that I have locked up in my head…I feel like I have to protect my family and appear to be normal..i feel like I have to protect Yvonne and heather and anyone else who knows me because im so horrible and bad and could end up hurting them in some way…I get so caught up thinking about other people and how they are feeling…how my actions are being taken..like its important for me to be able to keep them safe from me..like I am going to have a melt down at any moment and that I cant let them see me for real because t hen they would hate me..and I have such a small window of normalcy…like I have to be so careful and make sure no one is worrying about me..and so I keep a lot of what is going on with me to myself…like its not important enough to talk about..like I have no right to talk about it…I don’t get the chance to be upset or sad or unhappy or depressed..i have to make sure I am seen as happy..becuase that’s the best I can do to keep others away from me..to keep anyone from asking questions about me…that’s how I protect everyone from me…and I just hide the rest…hide behind this massive door like linda said…she said it and I could see it..me locked away in a room in my head..but im afraid of the door that leads me out..im afraid to look at it, or touch it..and I wonder if ill ever really be able to open it..and go out…I get soscared of it..so scared of actually being able to be myself..and to stop pretending..to be okay with someone else knowing that I am struggling and not okay..that is part of my silence..and why I am so good at being silent..i want to keep other people safe..and keeping them safe means that I am allowing myself to continue to suffer..and be afraid ..and feel helpless and confused..linda said that I can only be in control of myself..and that its not for me to try to protect other people…that they are supposed to protect themselves..and I think that is the part that caused me to feel so confused…how can someone else protect themselves? Isn’t that me giving up control? How can I trust that someone else is able to protect themselves from me? Maybe im afraid that if I don’t hide from them they will see through me..see the truth..that im not as okay as I say I am..or I don’t know..the words slip away from me when I think about this part of it…I can understand why I feel the need to protect other people from me..but I cant seem to grasp how to allow someone else to protect themselves…how to allow someone else to make there own decision about me I guess..that part of it scares me..and makes me feel out of sorts..i don’t know how to let go of that need to protect the other person…and I feel like there is a part of this that I am missing..some part of this that I am not seeing and so im not able to understand it all fully..but I don’t know what it is…
Guess that’s all I can say about that for now…
Linda today..hmmm we talked about a lot of stuff..still majorly embarrassing for me to talk about the attraction I felt for my supervisor..it really is..im ashamed of it..embarrassed by it…embarrassed that I was able to even feel attracted to her…im not supposed to want to be attracted to anyone..i don’t want to feel attracted to anything..im afraid of those sorts of relationships..im afraid to be that close to another person..but it started and it started with her..and now she is gone and I am taken in majorly hard…linda told me that it was ok to feel what I was feeling..that its ok to feel sad and rejected..and all of that and that it doesn’t make me a bad person..it makes me human..(and then we had yet another conversation about my lack of wanting to be human..essh) I was validated today in how I was feeling and not laughed at or told that I was making a big deal out of it…I tried to say that I was and linda disagreed with me..and told me that it was a big deal..and that it was ok…and I am sad about it..my supervisor and her leaving L
Oh and I forgot to add in the part about me being a horrible person to the protection bit …hmm guess ill write about that later…goodness this is going to be super long! But I do have to go soon and head to work for a while…yeah I think tonight will involve a whole lot of writing…I think there is a lot to get off of my mind right now..and I think that my fear about what I wrote..all the old stuff I wrote about..made me afraid to put things down on paper..and ive avoided writing..and I don’t think that is a good idea for me..i need to write..i need to get things out of my head or else ill get stuck and depressed and overwhelmed…
We talked about my need to punish myself..my need to create chaos to feel normal…she explained it to me..and well ive forgotten already..but again its one of those..this is how your childhood has shaped you..and I hate that L I hate that even now things from my childhood is still shaping me..still affecting me…im tired of how much of a hole my childhood has on me and my life..i wish I could just let all of it go…be able to move on past it…
Linda told me that I have to stop hiding from the world..that I have to start living in the world…that is a scary scary statement…but true at the same time..i am hiding..im existing..im getting by..but im not living…im not L
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