hmmm

last night was pretty darn bad..urge wise..i wanted to cut..to hurt..crap i just wanted to not exisit last night...made it through the urges..somehow..it sucked and was hard..and made a hugely triggering collage...but yeah..made it through i guess.. finally got to see linda today..and i was so overwhelmed i didnt know where to begin with it all...talked about the pdoc stuff..talked about the depression...just talked about a lot of stuff..i had to stop her from talking about sex and stuff cas that was just hugely embarrasing..but we talked abut other stuff going on and everything..she told me not to give up...i told her i wanted to give up..she got me to agree to start looking into finding a pdoc..and that i had to help myself for her to help me.. :( depressing i know..but with her i could feel and show my depression..and not worry..i didnt have to pretend to be alright.cas i was gosh darn depressed...but well i guess im feeling a bit more settled in some ways..still alot on my mind..and lots to process and struggle through..but one day at a time right ?!?!