july 27 1986

i dont understand..i dont understand why some die and some are forced to live.  i dont understand how people are chosen to have to go away for forever..i dont understand why it is that i have wanted death..waited for death..prayted to die and still i am alive..what am i doing that is wrong?  why cant i get to go away and not have to deal with any of this anymore...

today..today is july 27 2011...it was july 27 1986 that my sister died..her name was nicole..sometimes when my name is forgotten by people they call me her name.  i wonder how people know it.  people who do not know anythin gabout my history call me by my sisters name.  i dont remember her at all, i know a few stories..and used to have a picture of her..but mommy foound out i had taken them and made me give them back...i got in trouble alot for stealing stuff i guess. mommy told me once that i would never be able to have anything dealing with my sister until she died..how am i supposed to remember her?  i dont know what she looked like..i dont know what she sounded like..i dont know even where she is buried..i have never been to her grave..she has been forgotten..she is not talked about at all, and the fear of talkin about her keeps me silent..and wondering. it is hard sometimes knowing that i have other biological parents. i wonder sometimes if they know that she died..if they knew anything about her while she lived..i couldn't protect her, i couldnt save her..and the guilt associated with that makes me want to die too.  i should have done more..i should have done something..but she is gone now..and i blame myself for that..

i couldnt sleep last night...i woke up often and just had to think about everything..there is a lot going on..and fear is beginning to control me..im afraid of everything right now..and i know the fears are irrational..i know i am making myself feel so crazy for nothing..but i am scared..im tired..bad dreams plague me.  i take my medicine like im supposed to..i live and work and breathe like im supposed to.  but still i wonder if i am dying..if i am dead already. im still waiting for it..and i cant explain to anyone why i am. im waiting to die, im waiting for it all to end..i have relief from the pain. but i cant explain where the pain comes from..i cant put it into words so that someone else can understand how much everything hurts right now. im tired truly tired.

im forced to live a life that i am not truly a part of.  im forced to play this never ending game of whether or not i will continue to live or just give up and die. i do give up though, more often than i talk about i give up..because i want to die. i confuse myself sometimes and then i am afraid of myself.but not for myself..im afraid ill be in trouble. im afraid it wont work. im afraid i will never have the courage to actually go through with it..

i was thinking about heaven and hell last night.  im not the most religious person but i like to think that my sister is in heaven.  that she did not live life long enough to be corrupted..to be hurt..she made it to heaven..but me..ill never have the chance to see her again. ive convinced myself that im going to hell for my actions..my thoughts..my life..i wont be allowed to go to heaven .. i will never see her even after i die.. i guess that is really depressing to think about .. its really depressing to believe that..to know that this is all decided already and cant be changed..its like well if ive already got a one way ticket to hell then i may as well keep screwing things up for myself..

my thoughts are not in a very good place right now.
thats all.