Im feeling sorta confused and sad tonight..i don’t know why..ok that’s a bit of a lie..i don’t want to acknowledge why…that’s better..thats more true I guess…maybe because acknowledging it just makes the confusion more noticeable or something … I don’t know..i just feel off…
I had a chat this evening with one of my older sisters…the youngest of the 3 older ones I think…but she is just one that I haven’t stayed in contact with…im not big on talking on the phone in general..and so I guess its easy for me to lose track of people..and lose touch with people…but she left when I was still in high school I think…she acted out and went to some program for a while..and I remember that we had to drive for a long time to go and visit her..and I didn’t want to be stuck in the car for all of that time…but anyway she moved out when she was in high school I think..i don’t remember really when…she has 3 sons now…and when they still lived in nc I was around them a bit more and what not…she came by the house and all of that..but still not a real connection or a real relationship I guess..i mean yes shes my sister..but I really cant tell you anything about her life and she cant tell you anything about mine…and its as if we are strangers and just getting to know each other again….it is sad though that her kids have forgotten us…I don’t recognize there voices on the phone..they are all older and not the little kids from forever ago that I remember (sorta)..but that’s not whats making me feel all sad today…when I was ending the convo today my sister stated that she wanted to talk to me more often you know..and that she was sad that she lost contact…she said that you know we grew up together and that you know that’s a big deal..and then she said that I was a loner..and she was off looking for love…and she said that and I felt so sad…and then upset..because part of me just clued in to the last bit at the time and it was like..you left me..you moved on and just forgot about me and being at home..and how could you…depressing isn’t it..but it is making me wonder if I am angry at my siblings ..all of them…some of them? Or not at all ? and I think that I am angry..to a certain extent anyway…im angry that there was no one there protecting me..and I was by no means the youngest..and I wasn’t the oldest…there were lots before me ..but only 2 younger than me..and its like where were all of the older ones…by the time it I was old enough to care..they were considered dead to me in a way..they had all moved on ..they had there own lives..they had there own kids..and no one needed me for anything…sometimes they would come back and visit and it was to see mommy you know..not to see me..all I got was a greeting and how are you..thats it…im sure I didn’t put much effort into making conversations … I didn’t like people..family or not..i avoided conversations at all costs..and hid all the other times…and if I had to be around people I was so quiet it was like I wasn’t even there…. Hmm I don’t think I liked my younger sister much…I don’t think we got along all that great at times growing up..now we are fine..and talk fairly often..but back then..i don’t know..i guess I was just so mad at everything or sad about everything..and just upset that I was always having to do stuff..or always having stuff taken away…I think there was a lot of jealous from me..towards my younger siblings..they got everything and I didn’t get much..they got to go out and have fun and I was deathly afraid to ask for anything..my world when I was in middle school and high school revolved around babysitting and school and dance classes..that was it..that was all I did..like ive said before mommy knew where I was 24 hours a day..and crap most of the time I was with her anyway..its not like she had to look for me or figure out where I was at…no she could always pinpoint where I was…but its like I was forever expected to do stuff for my younger siblings..to help them..to make things easier for them…I was the one that was always having to clean up or fix something..i helped with there homework or was asked to do it for them..like papers and what not..if I said no I was selfish and mean..and had to do it anyway…I was expected to go to all of there performances..on all of there out of town trips and what not..i wasn’t as into my younger brothers sports stuff..but by then I was older and mostly off in college and so I missed all of that..had I been home I guess I would hasve been made to go anyway..but still I was the sister that was always around but no one knew me..i watched everything..and said almost nothing..i was always there though..at the performances or pageants that my sister did..i was always watching..but I wasn’t involved..i wasn’t included..it was there lives and I was just a bystander…someone that showed up..and I just I don’t know..i was just there..i know I was treated differently .. and I was the one that mommy told specifically that I couldn’t go places..or that I HAD to stay home when everyone else went somewhere..i wasn’t important enough to go..i wasn’t important enough to be included … I was expected to be at home and to clean up or what ever..its like for a long while I felt like I couldn’t do anything but clean and even then I didn’t do it right and was still in trouble…holidays..family get togethers…they make me panic…they make me worried…I stress myself out worrying so very much about everything that ill have to do or help with…still in the one that’s expected to help out..thats what it is helping..and I should be honored to help..it irks my nerves to be told that I don’t have anything to be sad about..or when im told I should smile more often..or when my depression is questioned by stupid doctors..and I feel that I have to pull back..that I have to go back to pretending that im doing just great because that is all anyone is worried about..gosh my act is good isn’t it? But that’s all it is just an act..just a stupid never ending act..what is it that I have to be happy for ? when my life is just one long, sad, and boring story…ive gotten so caught up in what other people want from me..or what I have to show other people that I have no idea what it is that I want for myself…going home is another thing that freaks me out…like no medicine in the world helps with that panic..i just panic and worry and stress…I have to prepare myself to be let down..i have to build my walls back up so that I can withstand the hurt that I know will come..i have to prepare myself to go home and it usually takes until I get there to even feel capable of being there…im avoiding going home right now..and that wont last much longer because mommy has started asking when im coming home again to visit..and I don’t know..i don’t want to go home..but eventually ill be worn down enough that I just say ok..and then I just freak out and cant deal..and do all sorts of not so good stuff..and then I go home…get told im not good enough..feel depressed and alone and like I don’t fit in..and then I come back..and then my need to self destruct is at an all time high until I can manage to calm down again and remember that im supposed to be in control of myself…I guess that would be the important thing..im supposed to be in control of myself but when im at home, im not in control of anything..i can barely stay in control of myself when im on the phone with mommy..and its not just a hi and bye conversation..if its one of the long conversations where everything is questioned..then I just fall apart and get defensive..and then I get told that I don’t share enough..that I need to talk to her..and the more she says that ..the less I feel like talking to her..i don’t want to talk to her anyway most of the time..i do a great job of making myself feel horrible without any help at all from her…guess ive learned that lesson wonderfully..crap I cant let the stupid lessons go..and then I don’t know..i feel like sometimes im being asked to do something that I cant accept and cant do..yes I consider myself to be a bad person..a horrible person..and while not many believe me on that one..it is still overwhelming and consuming..and completely believable to me.. I get scared when I start to believe or consider the good stuff…its like why in the world would anyone say anything good about you ? you nothing..not important..invisible..well that would be the nice stuff I say..but I am feeling invisible today..well right now I am feeling pretty invisible and dejected..confused about how I am feeling..wondering how I should feel..supposed to be working on work stuff and instead im just depressed and wanting to go to sleep and forget about everything else..i don’t want to have to deal with anything right now..i want to sleep and forget im alive..that would be nice..and writing this makes me remember that I haven’t taken the second part of my meds for today..you know earlier I actually seriously considered purging..bad bad idea..ok I know that..i do..im not going to purge..my sides hurt enough without adding that back in..ill just do better this week with eating and what not ..no biggie..
-sigh- sometimes I do wonder if ill always be that sad scared little girl who is waiting to be saved..but what do I need to be saved from ? I need to be saved from myself..i am my own worst enemy..im my own worst everything..and I hate myself enough to cover anyone who even thinks that they make like me (as a friend)..ill be alone forever..ill be forgotten..im back to thinking that I could die tomorrow and no one would notice or care..ive done nothing that is worth anything..and im breathing and just taking up space you know… goodness this is one of those times I wonder if I am bipolar….major massive downward spike.. but tonight writing is making me feel worse..so I guess ill stop for now..
No comments:
Post a Comment