just rambling

I think that I need to write…my head is empty sorta..but there is so much going on that im not sure what im even doing really..last week was a really bad week..just with everything..and all of the psych doc issues on top of it just doesn’t make things better at all..because I look at my meds and wonder whats the point..im afraid to get in contact with linda be cause she may just tell me that I really cant be helped..or that I need more care than she can give and tell me she wont she me anymore..im still wondering what is wrong with me..im wondering why I have so much wrong with me..why cant I be helped and get better? It makes me sad..very very sad…and the need to take out my feelings on myself are really bad right now…not cutting but doing other stupid stuff..and know better…I don’t know..just trying to cope and I don’t know how and just feeling so trapped and alone with all that is going on..no interest in work or anything ..couldnt deal with work or my clients moods last week..frustrated with them..frustrated with me..i just want a vacation..truly I do…I just want to get away from here..from everything that’s here..dejected I guess..let down..identify the feelings..and why..rejected..thats it..lately im getting rejected a lot L and I don’t know how to deal with it..becuase rejection just triggeres feelings of not being good enough..of not being worth anything..and then I react and need to punish myself for being so stupid or for messing something up..and there is just a lot of negative stuff in my head and I have to figure out how to deal with it..im not totally suicidal..theres movies coming out that I want to see and cant die now…bad timing and everything..but the need to hurt will happen however it is played out..thats my life it seems..

I remember something from my first t…I like playing sims..and play it a lot to well pretty much escape my life..but my t back then stated that I enjoyed controlling someone elses life even if it was fake because I had so much trouble controlling my own life…she was right then..and its still true now..i like controlling the lives of my sims..i create and destroy them at will..i make them into families or kick them out or do whatever I want with there lives…im not stuck when im in sim world..and I can play for hours and ignore everything else…that’s my escape..i have no control in my life now..everything is happening and im just messing up more and more…