nothing important

i keep thinking that i shou.d write .. i keep opening this to write and still nothing comes to mind...today the depression is winning and i just want to stay in bed and do nothing..talk to no one..be around no one..i cant deal with it today.. my thoughts are just low grade suicidal which means absolutely nothing to anyone but me..ive thought about suicide so much that yes there are levels to it for me...these thoughts i wont act on...but doing something not good to alleviate them is something completely different...i realized i was looking for a new escape again yesterday when i wanted to seriously overmedicate..just cause...had i been able to get ahold of what i wanted i would be on cloud 9 right about now...and so its prolly a good thing i dont have them..but still its like my world crumbled just a little bit when i couldnt get them..i dont know..i dont want to write today