ok this is an issue that i have been avoiding for a long time...heck just in the past week ive avoided it as much as possible..but i still think about it because it is the topic in therapy for right now ..and yes i can admit that eye contact is a hug e huge deal...and does get in the way of this..and yes avoiding eye contact does show that i am nervous or scared or anxious or uncomfortable or shy.. but its so so so hard and scary to look someone in the eye for an extended amount of time..and even harder when i know the person is expecting me to look at them..
in some situations my eye contact is really bad...and in some situations my eye contact is slightly better but still not stellar..but in most cases i just sorta avoid it as much as i can..because i dont like it..because i get nervous..because im not sure what it is that the person wants from me...yes it is partially an attention thing...like i dont want to be noticed..and i dont want attention... and some how in my head it is worked out that eye contact means attention..and well attention means trouble..but it is more than that too..i have a hard time getting past the fear of looking at someone and having them really look at me...i cant hide..i cant avoid..its like being completely exposed and vulnerable all at the same time and it is to much to handle..
i talked about it with alice last week..and it did make me anxious..but i think i ended up feeling more upset than anything else afterwards...and surprisngly what i remember most about the whole conversation is how upset i got when she turned away from me...i was really getting upset about it and i didnt understand why...im still not completely sure why it bothered me so very much..maybe because no one has completely broken it down for me an told me that well it hurts there feelings...that was a huge eye opener and im not sure i like it..some how i only managed to focus on my discomfort and my need to hide and avoid..and didnt care one bit about how the other person felt..i didnt have any room in my head to deal with there feelings and my feelings all at the same time...so that was just something that i had never really paid attention too..and so the other person being/feeling hurt..truly never crossed my mind at all..and now i feel completely stupid for not realizing it sooner...but i didnt expect myself to have that much of a reaction to her turning away from me..i really didnt..and it was more upsetting than i really want to admit...but its confusing big time too because if you ask me i would swear i wasnt doing anything to the other person or causing them to feel anything..again i was just so wrapped up in my own head and with what i was thinking..and so being told that yeah it can hurt the other persons feelings was a big deal..because then i felt bad that i was hurting someone else and i really didnt mean to do it...well i dont mean to do that..and having alice pull out what it was that was bothering me so much was hard to deal with too...evasive does not work with her..i have got to remember that..
but i have been worrying about that since it happened...and maybe not so much in a (crap..ive lost my train of thought..ill have to try to finissh later on )
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