Holiday writing (thanksgiving 2012)

read at your own risk i guess...nothing to happy in it...

Wed.

I made it home around 8:30 tonight.  I left at about 3:15…its safe to say that the traffic coming out of Richmond was crazy and so nerve wrecking…after almost two hours of sitting in traffic going incredibly slow and still being close to my own house I was ready to just go home and say screw it…but I stuck it out..and it took longer than planned but I did make it home safely…was super tired when I got home..but spent a little bit of time saying hi to relatives and a friend of mommys…talked to my sister and her husband..messed around with them as usual..and we got a super late start on some of the cooking that my sister was doing for thanksgiving..so yeah im kinda writing this at almost 2 in the morning while im waiting for the meds to kick in and calm me down because I am so so anxious and scared right now…see mommy was cooking and doing a million things when I got home so that is why my sister wasn’t able to start on her stuff..but mommy left some sweet potatoes on the stove and asked me/us to watch them..ok whatever…once we had my sisters stuff kinda situated and cooking.baking we all went to the den and was just talking and watching tv…I truly forgot about the sweet potatoes completely..my mind was on other things..and after about an hour and a half nias husband is suddenly like ‘umm I smell something burning’..which after about  a second I remembered that the sweet potatoes had been on the stove…so we all go running to the kitchen and the entire kitchen is filled with smoke..because the potatoes had boiled out and had started burning to the pot..so I freaked out..and my sister moved the potatoes but they were still on the stove ..so I opened the windows in the kitchen and then moved the whole pot to the sink to see about saving some of the potatoes..because mommy was going to be highly pissed off that I let them burn..she did tell me to watch them and I forgot..and so I told my sister that it was group effort and that I shouldn’t get in trouble by myself..but of course then it was like well I was told to watch it and whatever..but I know that if it had been an issue my sister would have helped me..but mommy had fallen asleep and so shse wasn’t aware of what had happened..so im working on trying to save the potatoes but I end up getting so freaking paranoid that mommy is going to come out of her an deverything will just go to hell at that point ..and so every little noise has me ready to jump out of me skin because im so scared that she is going to come into the kitchen and raise hell for messing up the food ..and seriously my sister said at one point ‘ that I seriously looked like a kid who had been caught doing something wrong’ because I had heard something and thought it was mommy and had completely lost focus on what I was doing and instead had turned around to watch behind me..yeah we laughed it off..but it was true..i was more afraid of being in trouble than anything else..like seriously afraid and worried and scaared..and especially because this is all for like thanksgiving food and so messing it up is a big big big deal…so I managed to get the potatoes out and peeled and got rid of the burnt parts…and tried my hardest at scrubbing the pot out..i scrubbed until the stupid scrubber thingy was breaking apart and sticking into my fingers..and I knew I had to stop..cas I couldn’t get anything else out of the pot..given I got most of it..but there was still a little bit in the bottom part that I couldn’t get..and so of course im still freaked out..but I had cleaned up the pot and washed everything and put the rest of the stuff away..and was just sitting and sorta watching my sister and her husband working on the other stuff..when mommy came out of her room and immediately said something was burning..now by this time of course nothing was burning anymore..and like an hou rhad passed since the actual burning had taken place and so everything was sort of cleaned up and put away you know..so there was no evidence really (yes that is how we said it, get rid of the evidence) ..so mommy comes out and asks about something burning..and I turn around because for whatever reason im standing at the sink again..and I tell her that its nothing, that we took care of it…and since she had just woken up she didn’t realize some of the differences in the kitchen..like the windows being open..and that sorta thing..she just said thanks for peeling the potatoes and I said ok..and she turned around and walked back out of the kitchen..and we..well I turned around and quickly closed the windows and put everything back..and escaped as fast as I could…I didn’t want to be around when and if she figured out what happened..and im pretty sure she will ask about it when we are all up and moving again in the morning..but for now we have escaped..and I am just having a hard time calming down…I am going all the things I did as a kid..listening hard to see if anyone is coming upstairs or if anyone is standing outside of my door..im waiting for something to happen and I don’t like that because then I cant calm down..and im fighting the meds..and I know that if I fight the meds I wont sleep and ill end up taking more meds in hopes of sleeping and instead its not safe at all to be over medicated at home..but I cant relax..im in a place that I grew up in and I cant relax..i cant sleep because im afraid..but I cant stay up all night either..and so im just sorta waiting really…I know eventually ill go to sleep..but its different than me sleeping at my own house..at my own house I can fall asleep easily..im not afraid…but here..fear kicks in and im more afraid and anxious..becuase anything can happen and I have to be prepared for it..i cant be caught by surprise…I cant L so yes took only 2 meds so far and am laying down and listening to music…I cant really chat or keep myself busy online because there is no internet here at home..so I am just writing in hopes that it will help me calm down some…but I can feel the tension in my neck and sholuders..i know I am pulling in on myself..that im trying to protect myself…it’s a never ending job when im at home..it is..i have to be so careful..i have to notice everything and say nothing..it becomes confusing and so very tiring…

I have spent most of the past hours with my sister..and well looking back on it I h ave really no idea how much I actually looked at her..but I think I did look at her fairly often..like when we are talking I look at her..like I see her fully..i know I have her attention..and that she is looking at me..there were times when we were talking in mommys room and I was sorta lying on the bed..so I wasn’t really completely looking at her..but I don’t think I was purposely avoding her either..but I will try to pay more attention to it tomorrow..because I think tonight would count as autopilot mode..and I just did it..and its not until now when im actually writing and trying to remember that I realize I was just doing it or not doing it and not really noticing…so I will have to work on paying more attention to myself and my eye contact with her tomorrow…

But I think im all written out for tonight.  Going to try lying down and turning on a movie or something..maybe that will help…

Thursday

I woke up late this morning…like 10 am late…normally I am up at five but I guess being so nervous to sleep kept me up so late that I just overslept..i didn’t over medicate last night..but when I got up this morning I was  but disoriented..and it took a while for me to actually get up and moving…mommy was really mean and all over the place this morning with the whole cooking and what not..and she did figure out about the potatoes but nia told me that she said something to them about and nia asked her to not say anything to me about it…mommy still did..but it wasn’t an argument..and then of course mommy flipped out when we went to the store to get alcohol/mixed drinks…im 29 damn years old and I get a lecture on not mixing alcohol with my medication…now firstly she only knows im on meds for the blood pressure and diabetes..doesnt know I need meds to keep me slightly sane..so whatever..but really does she think im that stupid ??? that I would just a bunch of alcohol with my meds..give me a break..and the alcohol content in what we did get isn’t enough to do anything with anyway..it was just stupid..and made me mad but talked to my sister and she of course was on my side and just said to not let mommy mess things up for me..and then I helped with cooking and what not..and that took forever..and I think I got to hot because then I just wasn’t feeling good..once again..finally was able to come upstairs and get dressed…last of course..and stayed upstairs to kinda calm down and collect myself before going back downstairs…had dinner..talked..hung out..and finally got to a point where I was just not wanting to be around anyone at all..and so I am in my room alone..my thoughts are bouncing back and forth and they are not in a good place at all…I just am feeling so down..and I don’t even know why…just being at home makes me depressed..and I think im very close to feeling suicidal just for the heck of it..i was to cry..or scream or lash out or do something..and I cant..and so all of my feelings are just building up and building up and overwhelming me..and I do want to cut and I wish more than anything right now that I had brought my razors with me…I really do..i just want to hurt..i want to calm my head down..i want a break from things..i don’t know..im just stupid and a waste of space..nothing at all worth being here for..and sometimes I do know my triggers and yes I am triggered right now..which is prolly why my thinking is so bad and out of sorts..but I just laying down and thinking and just isolating..i want to be alone..i want to sleep..i want to just not have to think about anything..old stuff..new stuff ..past..present..future..whatever..im tired..

Friday

Well I did not go to black Friday at all…I was sleep yesterday by 6pm and did not truly get back up until 5am this morning..and even then I managed to go back to sleep after a while and sleep until 9:30am…spent some time talking to mommy..heard about what had happened with the whole black Friday stuff from my sister and mommy..and it was funny and I guess I felt bad that I didn’t go..but I know I wouldn’t have liked it..so I don’t know why im stressing myself out about it..but I am beating myself up big time right now..yet again…I just don’t know whats wrong with me..i don’t want to be bothered..i want to be left alone..i don’t want to talk or be around anyone right now..im feelling like such a loser..such a horrible person…and I don’t know if its just being at home that is driving the thoughts and feelings or if I truly am once again back to being completely depressed and suicidal … if I go by patterns ..then yes I am feeling more depressed once again … which makes me want to run to the med doc and get her to give me something else to make me happy..but maybe I am just not a happy person?  Maybe im just not made to socialize and be around a bunch of other ppl because it is just to much to handle..and one mistake just messes it all up for me..and I guess that whole cooking fiasco is what did it for me..just knowing I ruined something and being so so scared of what mommy would do..and just not being able to let it go..even know I still worry about it ..knowing that it is over and done with..but I am still afraid..im still on edge and unable to relax…im sad and quiet and just I don’t know L there is so much in my head and I cant think..i cant think anything out ..and so its all just stuck and its making me crazy..and I just end up panicking and worrying and isolating…yes even at home I can isolate..im afraid ill go home tomorrow and end up cutting just to relieve some of the pressure…I miss my cats..i have so much on my mind..im going in circles and I cant stop..my head keeps hurting and I just want to sleep..and I realized that once again I am using sleep for my escape..and I realize I just want to escape right now and so I know I have to be careful with my meds and everything..cas taking to many tonight will not be a good thing. I wont be able to function at all tomorrow and im supposed to be driving home…im trying to be happy and talkative and around other people..but I just suck at it..im just stupid and cant do anything at all right..

Since im feeling awful ..night as well add in my failed attempts at the whole eye contact thing…im not exactly sure why it didn’t work..but it didn’t work..i would go to bed thinking about it and planning to do it..but then at the end of the day..i try to remember what I did..if I looked at my sister..and I cant remember.  I cant recall anything at all..and I think I know I looked at her..but I cant measure it..i cant say how much or how little…I just don’t know..maybe I was just afraid ..afraid of acknowledging that I am completely screwed up and cant do this..but every stupid day I planned to try it .. and every single day im not able to remember a single thing..i don’t understand..i thought I tried..maybe I didn’t..ill just add this to my list of failures .. its frustrating ..not being able to remember..but things just get so confusing and out of sorts at home..and im trying to do so many things at once ..and I end up doing nothing because ive stressed myself out to the point of not feeling well..and not wanting to be around anyone cas I don’t want to bother anyone just because I cant keep myself in check and controlled..i used to be so much better at hiding all of this..but now it just slips out..and if im not happy I end up hiding because I don’t want anyone else to know..because im just a screw up and deserve to hurt or be in pain or lonely..whatever it takes for me to remember that I am worthless and not needed…that is all it can be. There is no hope at all for me..i will die..and no one will even now or notice..because its like im not even there..

Not completely sure writing tonight helped at all..i think I feel worse now since im activiely thinking about how messed up I am and everything is..i don’t know..just another failed attempt to try to do something that doesn’t help..and right now all I really want is my razors..but I don’t  have those..all I have are meds..and if I go and take like 6 of the lovely clonazepans I know ill sleep..i know ill be able to ignore the world for just a little while..i just need a little break..because next week..ill tell everyone I had a lovely trip home..because that’s all anyone cares about anyway..if I said well no I freaked out and panicked and was feeling down to the point of either dying or trying to die..buut no that’s not important at all..

Have I mentioned lately that I just hate the holidays..i really really do..