i am me..

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us
~Jean-Paul Sartre

 

I found this quote this morning and it speaks to me ..on a deeper level...it makes sense..it sums up most of my life...i spent a lot of time being what others wanted me to be..doing what i was expected to do..being what i was supposed to be..and in the process..i completely lost who i was meant to be..i lost my likes and dislikes because i was so worried about becoming this perfect person...i was so worried about being accepted by others..that i was willing to do anything..i was willing to die if it meant that i had achieved this major form of perfection that i was after...it has been a long long 29 years of doing this.  i think it was at its worse between the ages of 4 or 5 to 28...at 28 i began to question my life a little bit more..i began to notice things more..i began to fight against my thinking just a little bit more...and this year i turned 29..and i cant help but wonder why it is that i am still alive..why have i not acheived my goal of dying? i was never supposed to make it past 18..but i did..and then i wasnt supposed to make it past 21 . but i did that too..so many things i thought i wouldnt make it to do and i did them.  i am still alive..and i guess that speaks for itsself.. but things have changed..and i really think that it has been in my time in va that things have changed the most...because its been here..that i have lost and gained only to lose and regain .. live and hurt and grow..thats the process of life isnt it...life isnt perfect by any means ..but i am slowly..and i do mean slowly...learning to live my own life..to do more things..to experience life and just not let it pass me by... 

something that  i have been noticing a lot of lately..is that where i am at in my healing..is not where i was a couple years ago...now i can look at my life and see where things were wrong..i can see the mistakes i made..and can acknowledge the lessons that have come with some of those mistakes.. it bothers me now to see others struggle with not being able to move forward..not being able to see what is going on...i by no means am all fixed or all better..but i know that the pain doesnt have to last forever..i understand that i still have a lot of life to live and it is my choice what i do with it...i am responsible for my life..my choices..my thoughts, my responses...i am not responsible for anyone else..i cant make anyone else do anything..or believe anything..and so the key for me is that i have to stop trying to convince other people to see things my way...that ok if i say im a bad person and they disagree then why do i have to fight them on it?  it has taken so long for me to even get to a place where i can doubt the whole im a bad person speech that i give myself at times...i am able to give myself more of a break these days..im able to sit and wait out my overwhelming emotions..or i shut down for a little while so that i can process what ever is going on and then i move on...i dont get completely suck anymore..i dont stop completely and just wait to be saved from myself..and there are a lot of reasons for that...in the past two years i have been told over and over and over..that everything is a choice..that i can choose what i want to do..that i can  choose to be happy or not..and ok that last bit is still really hard..but its no longer some far farfetched idea that makes no sense to me...its my opinion about myself that counts.. and how i see myself that matters. . im the one that has to deal with myself at the end of the day...im the one that has to put up with my thinking and emotions and moods ..not anyone else...and it is not fair at all for me to expect someone else to save me...i have to save myself..i have to want to save myself...i have to want to for things to be different..for things to be better..for things to change...if have to want it bad enough to be willing to go through all the mess to make it happen...and so while right now things are so up in the air and confusing and mixed up and down right depressing at times...i know that it is not going to be like this forever...i understand that life changes every day..that i change every day..that  i cant go back and redo anything at all..so all i really have is the choices i make now..how i think now..not what i thought in the past..and not what i think about for the future...only now is important...because now (in this moment) is all i have...nothing more, nothing less...

that being said..yes i still have a ways to go..a lot of thinking and processing to still do about things from the past that are still affecting my present life...but it is a work in progress...it is being able to step outside of my comfort zone and finding happiness and joy in the little things...i am learning to accept where i am at and realize that i cant force myself to go any faster than i am going..becuase that is setting myself up for failure..and so it is a fine line that i walk at times...a very fine line...but i am walking it..i am trying so hard to take the chance to make things different for myself..to grow and learn and heal...because i want to ..not because i am being forced too..and i know better than anyone else that forcing me to do something is the quickest way for me to shut down and stop doing everything...and knowing that means that i have to be careful with how much i am pushing myself..because old coping skills are hard to get rid of..and i know that it is so easy to go back to the old ways that brought immediate relief..and a lot of consequences.. it is a daily battle..a constant battle.. 

but i havent given up..i have people who believe in me more than i believe in myself..and it has taken me a long long time to acknowledge this..it has taken me a long time to realize that i do have people who care for me and my well being..and who are not going to hurt me...  like i said..it is a slow slow process..but i am steadily moving forward in it..a little bit at a time..baby steps..gotta crawl before you can walk..etc and so on ..all the stuff that i balked at and didnt believe before..just makes more sense now... 

i have been forced to do more on my own..to live on my own..to work and be an adult..i have experienced so much in the past 3 yrs in va...so very much...but i am still alive... i am still here...

and somewhere in myself i know that i will make it...that i will have a life that i am proud of...that i have to keep working on my own stuff ..and becoming more confident in myself..and the rest..well the rest will fall into place at the right time...