going home...

its the holidays...should be happy..excited...carefree...something

no

im afraid..nervous...anxious..scared..
i want to hide
i want to cry
i have to pretend that everything is fine

its always the same..
maybe a different outcome..but always begins the same

it is tiring having to think and rethink about every single thing ive done or said
trying to remember things ive forgotten that could be brought up
or cause trouble
i dont remember
and that scares me
i cant remember everything
and its the stuff i dont remember that gets me in trouble
because them im not prepared
then im not ready
then im caught by surprise
:(

cant cut
trying hard not to cut

promised us we would get a gift if we can make it to the end of the year ..without cutting again...

but without the cutting ..other things creep in..taking to many meds..over eating or not eating..beating myself up inside constantly...oh there are so many ways to be mean to me..and most no one would ever even figure out...thats the sad part .. thats the part that really hurts..being surrounded by people and no one knows what is really going on...

no.. i wear my mask well
at home it is firmly in place
everything is calculated, planned, prepared
there can be no surprises at home
there just cant...