adoption....

this is on mind a lot right now..and i know that it could go either way and so i am trying hard to not jump the gun and set myself up to be hurt...im trying hard...

but at the same time my feelings of hope and want and desire are on overdrive..so so much

something that i have wanted for a long time may be happening and im terrifed of the situation..very very terrified..im scared..im worried...but at the same time i want this..i want this child..more than anything i want him or her..

the thing is ... i happen to know someone who is pregnant..and is unsure of whether or not to keep the baby..ive talked to her and talked to her and talked to her...and she is willing to have the baby...but is still on the fence about whether or not she wants to keep the child...and i have told her quite seriously that i want to adopt the baby.. and i meant it..i mean it...i worry about the situation the baby would grow up in if she/he stays in the current family...just dealing with love and security and support...i want this baby to have so many chances..a life of happiness..a life of want and safety and love...

and so i have been thinking obsessivly about this..am i ready? can i do it? am i willing to have the responsibility of a child? one that i cant return??

and even with my doubts which are more about myself than anything else...i know in my heart that if it came down to it..i would say yes..i will say yes..

i have always wanted to adopt...i have...and in the past year my desire for a child has blown up out of poportion...like my clock started ticking and went into overdrive...and now im possibly able to adopt..and im trying to stay calm and not overreact or blow up or get so excited that i cant see straight...i have to wait..i have to be patient..i have to be hope and pray and hope that the mother makes a desicision that is in the best interest of the child...that is what i hope...

i know i will be involved...very involved in the pregnancy...so all i can do is hope and pray ... and hope some more...

i will work on my own stuff..i will become stronger and more confident and more assertive if that is what it is going to take..i will...i can ..

but for now..all i can do is be supportive and happy for her ..and put my wants on the back burner..i refuse to push her on the decision..i refuse to force her or convince  her...it has to be from her...it has to be her decision .. because i dont want her to regret anything..i dont want her to worry or have second thoughts...i want her to be comfortable with her choice...

and the important thing in all of this..is that i need to become stable..and be able to stay stable...ive come a long way yes..but there is still work to be done...there is still growing to be done...and im ready and willing...i will do what i have to do..i will