and im going to have to write this fast since im supposed to be getting ready to go see t ..yesterday i went to my staff meeting..because i had to and because i had promised a coworker i would get her since she is hving some car trouble..so i went..and the topic was depression..and that was a bit to much for me to handle because i was identifying way to much with what was being talked about and that made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed..and so i was feeling a bit removed from it all.. but i lasted through all of it..while the kids had a field day with the dumdums ..i like i ended up with like 10 of those darn things but they didnt eat all of them! thankfully. but my supervisor wasnt there yesterday
and i guess i knew that but still i think i was hoping she would be
there..but the director was and so i asked if i could chat with her for a
little bit..and that turned into a bit of a long chat..and we talked
about my struggles over the weekend and what happened..and what i had
done etc..i told her quite a bit actually..and so we talked about it and
i eventually told her that i had cut..and showed her what i had
done..and we talked about her reaction becuase i told her what had
happened with mommy when she found out
and all of that..and i asked my director if she was going to be mad at
me..and so we had a whole conversation about that too..and then she
invited me to her church..since i had talked to her about how not having
the structure over the weekends kinda leaves me majorly isolated and
all of that..and so her idea to help was to invite me to church..and i
told her that i would think about it..but the idea is highly scary and
overwhelming..i truly cant remember the last time i actually attended
church..like a service..and i mean im not the most religious or
anything..but i do enjoy the time i get to spend with her..but i dont
know..i told her that i was scared about being around so many new people
that i didnt know.but of course i had already told her that it was a
little easier if i was with someone i knew...so of course she remembers
all of that and reminded me that i know her..and i know a couple other
ppl church from the office..and so she told me that i wouldnt be by
myself...so yeah told her i would think about it..and for as much as i
want to say no and hide and all of that..i know that i do need to get
out of the house..so im not real sure about this one...because i get a
bit conflicted with wanting to do what others want me to do..and i know
im not being pressured to go..but at the same time i dont want to
disappoint her..and i do genuinely like being around her..and i showed
her my arm..i wanted to ..but i wasnt really sure why i wanted to until
much later that evening..as i was sleeping i think...but its like i can
ignore them..the cuts ..the scars..sometimes its like they arent there
at all..like i can see them without seeing them...but showing them to
someone else makes me more real..like it someone else seems them then i
have to see them too..i have to acknowledge that they are there..i cant
hide them if someone else is looking at them..:( i didnt feel shame
though with her seeing them..she told me she was concerned and sad..but
not mad..and we talked about the whole control piece and how i can end
up doing a lot of damage without meaning too..but it was ok i think..im
not sorry i showed her...im really truly not...because in my little
world..the cutting keeps me feeling so very separate from everyone
else..and i can understand that the cutting is hard to understand...hard
to see and even harder to accept..and really i only have mommys
reaction which was horrible to base things on..yvonne knows and well you
all and my therapists and thats it for like who i will acknowledge it
with..oh and my old supervisor, director, and director..im sure others
suspect you know..but no one asks you know..so its not like i have a lot
of accepting opinions to go on..and i guess im trying hard to trust
what my director told me last night..that her opinion of me hasnt
changed...she did tell me that she can see i am hurting and that the
cutting shows that i am hurting..she told me that this is growth.. i
looked at her like she had lost her mind with that one..but i didnt
object..i really do wonder why it is that i had to meet all of these
people in a working relationship
because again there is only so much that i can get from them and i just
want so much more..i want everything from them ..and i cant have it all
from them and thats not fair..i had a massively hard time sleeping last night..i dont know just wasnt working out..and i kept waking up and couldnt get comfortable because my arm was hurting a lot ..so it was a good thing waking up today...gave up on sleeping any more..
did do something nice for the kids last night and got them a little pillow pet thing..walked around the store petting the thing
so got it for them .. but i gotta go..therapy calls ... guess we have a bit to talk about..
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