anatomy of a hug

things are so very different right now..things are changing and it is scary but i dont know..im hoping maybe that this is how things should be..maybe i will be able to figure out how to be happy...i want it to be true..i want it to work...

but well i feel the need to write about my absolute need to hugs lately..well i think its more that i am feeling the need for comfort and support and that materializes into a need for hugs..and its like a never ending desire to be comforted..and its so strong..like i need it..its seriously like a drug..not that i would tell that to anyone lol..but um like i have 3 or 4 people that i completely crave hugs from..surprisingly they are all parents..well they have kids..but they are also all people that i work with..because well ive had time to get used to them and now that ive been talking to them more and more ..i am feeling way more attached and needy with them..and i do try to control it...i do..but its hard because i want there attention so so much..i want all of there attention and i dont want to share there attention with anyone else..and i just get so jealous when i have to do that..and i guess i know that the jealously bit is going to have to calm down some but i dont know how to do that..its like i finally have people in my life who truly care about me and my well being and ive never really had that before..and now that i am talking more and feeling so scared and small and afraid..that my need for comfort has been kicked into high gear..and its like no amount of hugs is ever enough..

but as i was getting a hug yesterday .. i was thinking about why it is that i want them so much..becuase it is obviously so much more than just the hug i am after...but with the people that i enjoy getting hugs from its a safety thing also..in a world where i do feel unsafe pretty often..the hugs are small bits of safety that i am able to get..they wake up the need that i have to feel safe and protected and cared for..and a small peace from feeling so afraid all the time..they touch a very deep and hidden pain and yearning for care that has never been addressed or touched .. the hugs speak to the smallest parts of myself that need to comfort and that need the safe touch..its hard to think that i am supposed to be 28 and that now i am able to see and understand wwhat it means to be touched in a good way..to be touched without fear, without pain, without worrying what i would have to do...