i realize that i havent really done much this week with anything...ive been tired and sick and kinda under the weather with things..and the meds are still messing with my and i feel sick throughout the day..but its not as bad as tuesday when i truly felt i couldnt move without being sick...its better but still not cook that i am still feeling sick and gross and all of that..today wasnt so good in that area but i did work for most of the day. and then i just couldnt manage and had to come home..well after running a couple errands and spending way to much money again at the grocery store..i feel like im hording food because i buy stuff i dont technically need to just to have it..and some things i buy and then i get them home and dont even want them anymore..i dont understand..right now im going through a pretty not good carb and junk food overload..like i have chips and cookies in the house..and i feel so stupid that i caved and bought some things that i know lead to binging and all of that..and although thoughts of purging have been on my mind the past couple days..i did not go down that route today..so im just in a not so sure what im doing phase..and i feel so full and heavy and im disappointed in myself you know..and i know ill be able to get it under control..but still the whole thing is a bit unsettling..like i was doing so well you know..and now im kind of bottoming out on things..i dont know..
i think my paranioa is picking up again...like ive attached myself so bad to my supervisor that im very very scared that she is going to leave me. and i dont want that to happen. i dont want her to leave me. i dont want her to move to another job or me not able to see her. i know its crazy and to much to deal with.but it is making me feel very nervous and scared and panicky..i havent been able to spend time with her one on one this week..and i wont see her on monday and maybe that is the part of things that has me worried..and i dont know. im guessing she isnt going to be in the office monday. i could be wrong. but my usual one on one time with her didnt happen and i am feeling lost in the shuffle. i know that she cant devote all of her time to me (no matter how much i want her to do that exactly) but i want her time and attention all the same. she has sent me a couple messages throughout the week and what not and has checked on me a little..but its the one on one that im missing..and wanting..and this week i havent had it from anyone. i didnt see t and i didnt see my supervisor..ive just sorta been left to my own devices this week..and i havent really accomplished anything..and i think that in my need to comfort im turning to food again and buying to much of it and wanting all of it and then not wanting it..and so im just getting everything and then getting mad that im getting everything..and the more i want stuff the more purging looks better an better..and the amount ive wasted on junk food the past few days is ridiculous.. :(
im just feeling sad and lonely tonight..i dont want to be bothered but my aloneness seems magnified..i feel like there is a lot going on in my head but im not tapping into it right now..like some how im feeling okay and so that is overshadowing and blocking all of the inside stuff..and so i think im ok but i still feel on edge and paranoid and angry...the past few days ive been getting random instances of anger .and i have to literally get myself to calm down..im just getting annoyed so much easier and i dont feel good and i just find myself feeling angry..mad..pissed off..and i dont know whats really causing it..i dont know how to deal with it..i dont like feeling so angry..
stuff with mommy is pretty much the same i guess...i gave her money..and paid back the money she let me borrow the other weekend..and ive paid most of my bills..but i find myself not interested at all in talking to her..i feel so angry and upset when i have to talk to her..and then i get defensive and sometimes im not even listening to anything she is saying..sometimes it makes me upset that she wants sometimes from me but she isnt coming out and just asking for it..shes going around and around and around and i just want to get off the phone and its like ok what is it that you are looking for from me..what do you want..and its like just tell me already or ask me or whatever...
you know the more i think about it..the more im wondering if my just replacing things again...im wanting to hurt and all of that but im not cutting...im picking horribly..but not cutting...and when that isnt enough suddenly the purging is a big big deal again..i want to eat and eat and eat and i want to throw it up..i know it will hurt..i know it will cause me pain..i just want to hurt..i dont know..
but yes..i feel things are being blocked..its hard..i feel disconnected from myself..i dont know
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