full out pity party...

i am feeling sorry for myself..sad and dejected and just gosh darn sorry for myself..and im just hiding away from things today..i did work for a little while today..and then i came home and crashed because the enormatity of what is going on was just a lot to deal with..

so what is driving my pity party?  well i went and saw the foot doc today..and we had a chat about what to do to help me with my foot issues...and the recommendation is surgeryish and meds to combat the problem..while there you know it sounded all easy and great and i was all for it..i left him and talked to both mommy and nia about it all..and then after that the whole thing just sorta hit me..and it was like holy s@(*#..am i really going to let them go and remove junk that i may or may not need..like second thoughts extreme on all of it..and i called my supervisor freaked and told her i wanted to fire my doctors..but she finally got the story out of me about what had gone on and got me calmed down a bit..and pretty much told me that it will be ok and that i need to take it one step at a time..i am scared though..very scared and upset..and feeling so frustrated at all of the doc stuff that i have going on..and how it has just been one thing after another lately..well since oct or so of last year..and its just medicine and doc visits, and specialist visits and i feel all poked and prodded and just frustrated..i mean yah its cool getting good news from the doc..but then getting all the other this is whats going on news is so overwhelming..by taking care of one problem..more tend to pop up..and then its like a never ending hassle..and its like yeah now i remember why i avoided docs so much before...i mean ys recently i have met some rather nice doctors who dont make me feel majorly afraid..and im guessing that is a good good thing..but at the same time i am tired of doctors and problems and issues..i am..
so that leaves me trying to process it all..and figure out what it is that i need to do and what is going to happen.  i have to make some phone calls tomorrow concerning more labwork..and where i need to go inorder to get it done..and all of that..and then they will schedule me for the surgerys..there will be two..because i cant get them both done at the same time and be expected to get up and walk anywhere..the doc said one at a time so that i will still be able to walk a bit and things..and well there will be a bit of the whole yeah no walking to much or driving and what not...and the surgerys have to be done on fridays to kinda give me the weekend to regroup and heal and what not..:( 

i guess in the grand scheme of things the choice is still mine on whether or not i want to have it done...but if i dont do it then it will just get worse..and id truly would rather it was taken care of now i guess..but at the same time it is terrifying to think about..

so yes i am feeling very sorry for myself..and scared and all sorts of other things....

supervisor said good job...for taking care of myself and addressing my stuff and dealing with it...i just said ok