today has been a very different day...big time...i went to church this morning. ( i got lots and lots of hugs)..i also tried hard to hide behind my boss..i didnt venture far from her side at all..and i ended up sitting between her and her sister who used to work at the office and who i had really been missing. her sister gives good good good hugs..and i got like 4 from her by the time i had left..and they did that whole hug your neighbor thing too and so i got even more hugs..only one i was a bit uncomfortable with and that was from my boss's husband..it was really loud there...like majorly i thought i was going to go deaf loud..but i did like the music..a lot. its been so very long since ive gone to church..like over 6 years so its been a long long while..and it felt so different you know..but still i couldnt seem to completely let go of that child feeling..i couldnt keep myself in adult mode and feeling scared and exposed just made the feelings harder to contain..i was fine with i was safely between my boss and her sister..but if one of them moved to far away from me then i was overly scared and on alert until they returned..and i didnt sit in the back lol but once i was between them i think i was more afraid of getting up and leaving ..so i stayed for the whole service..and i mean it wasnt horrible.it was just..it felt like the pastor had known i was coming and tailored his whole sermon about me and what i was dealing with..like the sermon was on fear and doing things and reaching for your goals regardless..and even if you are scared you can still get to your goals..etc..and i was listening..i was and it was a lot to think about..because half of me was wondering how he knew what to preach about..and the other half was freaked about being a church..i had a few other issues though..and i feel really stupid for this evening being an issue :( i know that my boss and her sister have there own lives outside of me..i know that and i can accept that sometimes...but well my boss has a husband and her sister has a 'friend' and both were at church today..but none of them came together..so i was fine with just my supervisor and her sister ..but then there significant others came and immediately my jealously spiked horribly..i didnt want them to be there..i didnt want them to take away all the attention that i wanted..i didnt want to share there attention with anyone..and so i just wanted the two men to be just gone ..but they didnt go anywhere and it just bothered me a little bit...i had to really work hard to lower my feelings of jealously cas it was ridiculous and unnecessary..but it did happen..and so i just felt a bit horrible about that..but i really do have some major issues when it comes to them and my supervisor..i get so jealous when they give anyone else attention..i dont know how to fix that issue...
and well this morning i as i was freaking out and driving to church..i started to think about some of the reasons that i dont care much for church and all of that..and started to think about the old stuff..from being little and what not...church was never a fun place for me..i dont think i ever wanted to go..i dont really remember though...church was a place to just sit quietly and not be heard. it was a place that caused promises of future punishment for not being good or well behaved..and unfortunately if i was sitting near mommy and misbehaving then i was pinched and told to be quiet..and being pinched in church is horrible..dont know how it is iit hurt more than anything..but church was the only place mommy doled out pinches..the looks and promises could come at any time for any reason..i dont remember much about it when i was really little though..i know i went..i know i was in private school and so i guess i just couldnt get away from church .. i think we were there a lot but i dont know for sure..mommy told me i got into big trouble a few times..stealing was the issue .. dont know why i did it..but hmm yeah..but later after moving i remember a bit more..and it was kinda the same feelings associated with church..i was forced or tricked into going..tried hard to avoid going ...but sometimes just couldnt i guess..or wasnt given a chance to say no..mommy didint go as often but us kids had to go..cas we could walk to church..it was right down the road..funny we went to the same church for a number of years and i only know a hand full of people...my fear of talking and all of that meant that church was just another place where i felt uncomfortable..and i avoid the children stuff as much as i could..and when i couldnt the fear was horrible..not that anyone cared about that..since i was supposed to do what i was told to do..after a while mommy started saying that if we didnt go to church then we couldnt go out in the afternoons and stuff..not that i cared about that since i never went anywhere anyway..that one didnt work on me..i guess it worked a bit better on my other brothers and sisters though..now that im older and can make the choice i guess..i just stopped going..it was to scary for me..i couldnt deal with the crowds and all the people..and i guess i didnt see it as a fun place at all...in college i went for a couple months with a friend that i made who worked in my building...she was one of the first to know about the cutting..and ive forgotten now how she even found out about it..but she found out..and i kinda became attached to her..and she was really big into church and stuff and so i went for a little while with her..but again my fear and shyness prevented me from forming any type of lasting relationships with anyone there..but her church had a lady pastor and that was like the coolest thing i had ever seen..it was the first time i had been to a church with a lady pastor..and i liked her voice..i liked listening to her talk...i was to afraid to approach her but i watched her constantly when i was there..but then again for whatever reason i stopped going..it wasnt a a huge deal for me..but mommy had gotten into the habit of demanding that i go to church..i told yvonne constantly that if mommy asked for her to say i was going to church..every week..it was one of those just say im going so that the conversation will be dropped..that lasted pretty all of the time that i was in college...with moving around and what not after college church wasnt a place i really wanted to be...thought about it sometimes but never went..didnt know where to go or even i wanted to go...i was invited some to one place but i never went...mommy started pushing again for me to go back to church last year maybe...saying church would save me..and so the more she pushed the more i refused to go...if she wanted me to do it then i didnt want to do it..guess that was me being passive aggressive about the whole situation..i dont know..but again no real desire to go...so fast forward to this past week..after having a talk with my boss about having more issues on the weekends..and struggling to get out and isolating and well so on..and her idea was to invite me to church..which i refused and i told her more about my anxiety and being in a new place..and she still invited me and kept telling me that i would know her and her sister..and one other person..which led me to telling her that i hadnt been all that okay with the male office manager at first..which i hadnt planned on sharing ..but did..well eventually i said i would think about..and i thought about it all week..talked about it with my therapist..and waited and waited and asked my boss a gazillion times if it was okay for me to come..and finally when yesterday rolled around..my anxiety about the whole thing elevated massively and i didnt want to go..but if i didnt then i know that i would be like struggling for forever with this..so i did some collage stuff, calmed down..and then sent my boss a message about going and that i would see her tomorrow...this morning i was up crazy early..worried and scared....and anxious..and felt sick i was so afraid..and forced myself to get up and get dressed and go..fear or not i made myself go..the whole drive all i was thinking was how much i didnt want to go and how nervous i was about being there..the fact that it was a church was besides the point..i was more afraid of the new people and being in a new place..but i went and as promised my boss came out and met me and introduced me to ppl and i sat with her..and i just watched everything going on..literally..i watched the people i could see..i watched the singers..i watched the little kids..i didnt say much at all.but i was polite when ppl spoke to me..i didnt initiate any conversations at all..but i lasted..i was fairly nervous the entire time i ws there..but it spiked more towards the end of the service..and i felt more scared and nervous and the need to hide because there was to many people around me..but i made it..and surprisingly fear all aside i was really distracted during the church service..like the music was so loud i had to stay out of my head lol...
but i lasted..through the whole service..i did something that i was very afraid of..and i ended up handing over my blades..it was tempting me to much to keep them..i could have thrown them away i guess..but i guess it just meant more to give them to her..and to know that she wont be giving me them back..yes i want them..more so know that i dont have them...but i wont be getting them back..darn...
so that was my morning... ran errands and now im at home..and taji is umm just having a time with things right now..but i have cleaning, laundry, and paperwork to do for the rest of the day...fun.
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