i havent been writing much at all lately. im not relly sure why though because there is a lot of stuff going on in my head and it is all so overwhelming and confusing and hard to deal with..it makes me tired litterally..and i find that more often than not lately i am just coming home and sleeping...i have trouble getting out of the house in the morning and come home in the evenings just to crash...im not functions very much at all right now and it is a little frustrating..i have so much work to do..paperwork i mean.since i am a week behind..but all of my life stuff is getting in the way big time right now..and im just being plauged with so much that im worrying about..and im trying not to stress out..i am ..but i am still finding myself stuck in rewind and i keep thinking about everything..medicine, money, the whole surgery fiasco, mommy, demands, the cats, just everything :( im having a hard time prioritizing everything...right now..well tomorrow i think my goal will be to just get my work caught up..that would be good...if i can just catch up a little bit of the stress will be off..but again..so freaking much to do..
my head is hurting..a lot..and has been hurting for hours today...just kinda started and hasnt stopped or let up yet...im trying to figure out what it is that is going on with me..my head hurts..my back hurts..im tired..and worn out..and just feeling sorry for myself..big time...i want comfort and i want to feel supported..and i realize that i have been seriously isolating again...normally im always going back and forth to the office..just to be there...but last week with all of the doc appts i had plus not feeling good, and then trying to see my clients and slacking on that too..ugh..im not feeling so thrilled with myself right now..truly not...i need a break...a real honest to goodness break...i want to go away..i really do..i dont know..i feel like im being forced to handle so much stuff and i cant handle anything..im not feeling strong or brave or even stable right now..im trying i am..but things just keep piling up..i have to keep it together...today when my anxiety got the best of me and i was wanting to cut..i worked on looking for new stuff to use in my collages instead of cutting..and it did help..i was able to refocus and calm down..i am okay i guess..sad and depressed still yes but not wanting to cut so much right now..i did good..i didnt cut..
i have some triggering stuff today about child abuse and stuff...i just get caught up in those types of storys and what not and it is a trigger..but at the same time i feel the need to read them..i need to see that they are saved..that they are able to find help..that they were able to grow up and live and thrive...i guess i just want to have hope that things can get better..that its possible to get better..i want to know that it gets better..i just want to know that i am not out hope...and maybe i am looking for something that i can relate too..i want to feel understood..i want to feel heard...and reading stuff today made me wonder a little bit more about writing my own story..wondering what i would say...wondering what i would have to say and how i would say it..
right now i think my goal is to just stay out of the hospital...im afraid that im slowly wearing down and falling apart and trying to deal and just not doing so well ..i know im not doing well :(
im trying to hang on..but i dont know why...i dont know what for...maybe i am just struggling more and things are feeling more hopeless..maybe it is all of the medical stuff and the unknown iwth so much that is driving my depression..my inability to deal with myself and all of that is causing issues also..and so i still just quietly hate and despise myself...i wonder why anyone bothers with me..why anyone cares about me at all..and i wonder why my family doesnt..what i have done that my mom doesnt want me..both parents you know..what is wrong with me ?
im afraid for myself..im afraid of myself..and im just trying to keep things together...and i just feel like i am failing horribly at all of it..
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