today has ended up being one of those days were i have so much to process i just dont know where to begin...my head is surprisingly quiet tonight on all of this..and i am wandering lost and a lot confused as my supervvisor today me today.
the major thing is that she gave me a hug..a really long super tight and majorly safe hug..she told me that i can have a hug everytime i come into the office. she really told me that..and that is one of those things that really messes with how old i feel..the excitment over this is childlike and full of child wonder you know..with this i am not my adult self at all..my childself has attached to the promise of hugs.the unspoken promise of support and understanding and caring..that is all the childlike part wants..love and caring and support. she told me today that i am not alone and that she is in my corner with me. it has been a while since i have felt cared for..in this way. it is a feeling that i am not used to at all. but it is a nice feeling. i think about the hug and feel calmed and quiet. even though my supervisor talked and talked and talked to me..what i remember most..right this moment anyway is that she gave me a hug..and that she didnt tell me no or yell at me or anything..i was so afraid she would tell me no but i was so deteermined not to leave without a hug..i just have had a really bad week you know aqnd i just wanted a little support..my need for comfort is at an all time high right now..and i am just at a major loss of where to get it from. but know at least i know i can get a hug from her and it is ok..it is safe..and not scary. i know she isnt going to hurt me..she is not going to hurt me ..
see i had a conversation with my supervisior a couple months ago about some personal stuff..and it was more of she told me about my own personal stuff and freaked me out pretty throughly .. and with that conversation i ended up alot of questions ..a lot of wondering about what she knew and didnt know.. i never went back and asked her my questions though and the conversation never came up..it was one of those 'i know you will come back when you are ready' type things..she was waiting on me to ask my questions..she didnt push or question me in any way. yesterday i happened to be in the office and was feeling very not ok..ive been sick and stuff this week..and well we were talking about something and i mentioned that i still had questions for her...and she told me that she knew i still had questions..today i went into the office to pick up my paycheck and my supervisor just happened to be in the office by herself..and so i decided that i wanted to talk to her .. well i just wanted something from her but i wasnt sure what it was ..i just wanted to be around her i guess. she is different when it is just the two of us in the office...she is quieter..she talks to me in a quieter voice..she is even more caring and supportive..and i think more so because she knows that i have so many other things im dealing with..she knows all of this stuff about me that i have never told her..she just knows..and she tells me and i ask her about it. i want to know..i want to know what she knows. i want to know what she thinks..i just want so much from her but my fear stops me..but today i just went and sat down and we talked a little bit about work stuff and then the conversation moved to talking about my stuff..what im dealing with or not dealing with..but she talked and talked and talked and i listened and listened and listened some more...at times i was so nervous and scared all i wanted to do was run out of the office away from her..i didnt want to hear her..i didnt want her acknowledging anything..i didnt want to have to face anything that she had to say...one big thing from the previous conversation that we had was whether or not she knew about the cutting. i was scared you know..i didnt want her to know but i think that deep down i knew she did...i asked her if she knew what my coping skills were..we were in the middle of talking about stopping bad habits..and what it means to understand an action...i asked her..and she told me..she told me about the cutting, the binging/purging..the suicidal thoughts..she just laid it all out for me..and i was so scared and so very sad..there are my secrets..laid out for the world to see ..and she knows them..but she told me ..she told me that i have to understand the actions..the reasoning behind the actions..i have to get the irrational thoughts under control and realize them for what they are..she told me about rational thinking and how it works..we talked about my eye contact and feeling unsafe and scared..she talked to me about abuse and neglect..she told me it wasnt my fault..she told me im not bad..we talked about self worth and confidence and well that i dont have much of either..she talked to me about understanding and believing in my self worth..and understanding that the past is over with and that i am living now..but how i am not living..she told me that i wasnt alone..that she saw all sorts of things in me that i wasnt seeing..and that she wished and hoped that i would see them one day too...she told me that it would be important for me to lean on others until i was able to see these things for myself and believe them...so well you get the just of the conversation today..it was a long long conversation..she told me that now is my time to heal but that i have to be willing to put the work into it..that i have to be willing to learn, accept, grow..etc..and i listened to her..i did..she gave me info on a therapist that she reccommends..i didnt mention that i am already seeing a therapist..
i dont want to be stuck forever..i want to be happy..i want to enjoy life..i want to be able to deal with myself and stress and life without becoming so depressed..without isolating..without hiding or cutting or eating or starving..i want to be a part of my life..and i think that is a big part of what i have been learning with my current therapist..that i have my life and its either i am a part of it or im not..that i have to live and enjoy what i have..accept what i have..but i dont know about the next step...i have been edging away from taking the next step..im not fully commited to the work..and i think i am beginning to realize that..i have so many thoguhts and things in my head and it gets all jumbled up and confused and full..and i dont know how to sort it out..i dont know how to understand it..i dont know how to work through it..im afraid of knowing..of understanding...im afraid of getting into all of it..of digging up the past..but my supervisor is right in that icarry around all of it anyway..i think about it constantly..its in my head whether i want to acknowledge it or not ..it is there..and bringing it up and dealing with it may infact make me feel better...but that scares me..how am i going to deal with bringing it all up and acknowledging it when i feel so alone with all of it..how can i understand it when i am just afraid of it..how can i make it better? how can i make it worth it? i was listening to my supervisor today and started to wonder when i will be able to cry for myself..when i was be able to let go of the pain.the fear..the sadness...when will i be free? when will i be able to let go of the pain..? i have been once again just doing enough to get by..i go to therapy and talk about the day to day stuff..but dont often get into the past stuff..because i am afraid of myself and how i will deal with it..im afraid ill become so overwhelmed and scared that i will act on my suicide plans..or develop more indepth plans..im afraid ill ahve a break down..and i dont know what i want to do...but i do know what i want to do..i want a life..i want love..im tired..so very tired of not living..of not being a part of my own life..i want to understand..i do..but i am just afraid..my supervisor talked a lot about facing my fears..of defeating my fears by facing them..im afraid of my fear..my fear has its own fear!! goodness.. it feels so overwhelming knowing that i have so much to work on..having so much to deal with and process and live through yet again..yes im afraid..im very very afraid..
there is a lot in my head tonight...a lot that i am thinking about and wondering about..but at the same time i am feeling rather calm..maybe i am a bit detachedd from it all..wondering what i am going to do..what i am going to decide..
my supervisor gave me information on a thearpist that she reccommends..and i told her i would think about it..think about seeing her..can i have two therapist at a time?? i sort of have been wondering about getting in contact with the new lady and just talking to her..and seeing what she is like..see if she can help me in some way that has not been tried yet..i do know that i need to see someone on a weekly basis though..i cant do every two weeks and dig up my past..it wont work..and i just have to understand that...i need to see someone on a weekly basis..
but this was part of my day..only about 2 hours..but it feels like it was so much longer..it feels like so much happened in that time..and this is where i am at with it...i think i still have a lot of thinking to do about it all though...yeah..a lot of thinking..
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