yes i know i have lots of trouble with talking and relating to people my own age..is it patheric that i prefer the company of children? or the company of someone who is older than me? i dont seem to fit in no matter how hard i try with people my own age. and i relate even less to men my age. i feel safer around people that i know have no interest in me what so ever..and i just i dont know..i dont know what i need to do to make myself fit in any better..i dont know what its so hard for me to just talk and have fun without worrying ..without struggling so darn much..
even online i struggle with fitting it..i try to be nice and helpful and everything and its like im ignored..and then i feel stupid for trying..and i still wonder what is so wrong with me..why do i still have to struggle so much..why cant i talk and share and be more trusting? ok well really there are times and well ppl i have run into online that just make me really question and doubt what is being said..but again that is a personal thing you know..but just in general its like i try and get nothing in return..maybe i dont want it bad enough..maybe i am not doing something right..i dont understand..maybe i am destined to just be alone..to just always be alone..
sometimes i wonder what it would be like..to be loved..to be desired..wanted in some way..i wonder what it would feel like to be hugged, to be kissed and not be afraid..i want to be loved but i dont feel i deserve it at all..i want to be touched but i dont believe anyone would want me and my ruined body..who can be there for me..and understand why i have done what ive done..and still desire me? i guess i have messed things up for myself ..and ill be alone...
i have a two year plan though..for a child..not a husband..or a boyfriend or anything like that..i want a baby..and i have someone who will carry my baby for me..i want a baby..i want some to love..to love me and have me love them..i want to just feel important..needed..wanted..and with all of my own girl issues and all of that im not even sure i can carry a child..and well the idea of being pregnant is slightly really nauseating..but the surrogate thing would work..i can have my own eggs fertilized and have them put in someone else..and then i can be there to help and support and all of that..im not sure i can handle being pregnant..
there is a lot going on in my head tonight..im upset because i thought i had a friend..and now just like with anyone else..mommy has won her over..mommy has taken her and gotten her to believe that mommy is great and wonderful..and that i am the one that is so messed up..i feel messed up though..but again i feel that i have to be careful what i say..how i act..i cant be myself..im guarded again...very very guarded :( and i hate that..but i cant have someone relating information back to mommy..i just cant..
some days i just feel that my differences are to many to tackle and that there is not enough time in the world to get a handle on them. and i am alone..just alone with my head..and im not sure that is a really good thing..
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