lately i think im am being pulled in so many different directions..and i am getting lost in the process..well more lost than usual...i am being sucked into being everything for everyone else..and what has it gotten me ?? stress? confusion?? upset and hurt feelings?? who am i? who am i becoming ? who am i trying to be? i dont know..i really dont..everyone seems to have me pegged..everyone wants to tell me who i am..what im supposed to do..who im supposed to be? what am i going to do ? it feels like i really am being pulled apart at the seams and that nothing will be able to put me back together pretty soon...sometimes i think about just leaving..and being gone for a few days and truly getting away from thing and people and life..but i cant do that..i really need to find something to do that will help me lessen my stress and my run away thoughts..the past couple months i just haven't been able to get a grasp on things..and it feels like life is just slipping through my fingers..what am i going to do ? i feel like i am just falling apart and struggling to manage..struggling to handle things..and the more that stuff happens the more out of touch and lost i feel...right now im not feeling good and there is work and all sorts of stuff that i have to deal with and handle..when all i want to do is lay down and admit defeat..i cant handle being around ppl and just want to be left alone..but instead..i have to deal with more and more ppl..well with work ppl..and all of that..its tiring you know..im just tired...
i know the holidays are getting closer and closer..and its just raising my anxiety levels a lot..already im bombarded in the stores with holiday decorations and gifts and stuff..already im trying to plan for being at home and being around family ..and doing what i am expected to do..it is just a long down hill spiral after my birthday isnt it..life is depressing right now..i am depressing right now..and i just dont know what it is going to take to get things back in order .. i really dont..from aug pretty much until after jan..things are just harder for me..i have a harder time managing..i haave a harder time living..this is my trigger period..and it stinks...
it is hard realizing that you know everyone sorta has me pegged...how can i be accepted when no one is wanting to know who i really am ?? everyone 'knows' me...really? how can anyone really know me when i dont allow anyone to know me...maybe a hand full of people know me and see me..but others ..they assume they know me and who i am..they TELL me who i am..what i want..what i need..they tell me that i cant be a certain way..they tell me how to be a certain way..what i need to say or do or how to live..they just want to control me..and i guess in some ways they do..because i am to shy to convince them otherwise..why would i contradict what they think they know? it is safer for them to think they know me..its safer for them to come to there own conclusions because then i just have to be what they want and i dont have to think about myself and figuring out who i am...
do i want to know who i am ?? how can i learn to be myself and to accept myself when i am so easily swayed into believing that i am someone that im not..its so much easier not having to think about it myself .. but i guess it makes me sad hearing people talk about me and say im this way or cant be that way..and know that it is not true..know that it is not who i am...but how can i change there minds? who is going to speak up for me? who is going to see me ? lately i have been feeling so lonely..alone..unseen..invisible..depressed..i want to speak up..i want to do so much ..but fear stops me..being afraid holds me prisioner ..and i have trapped myself so very much that i dont think there is a way out for me...not anymore .. its like i just keep going in circles and the harder i try to get out of it the more i am held there..the more i just wander and hope and pray for someone to find me..for someone to see me and pull me to safety..but no one sees me..no one ever sees me..and eventually it will be to late for me..and i will be gone and no one will realize that i needed help..no one will be there for me..its just me and i am all alone..
i wonder when it is that i will completely give up? when will i finally manage to just call it quits and stop trying and just say no to everything and go away. i want to die..i dont want to be here ..i dont think i ever wanted to be here..and maybe that is what no one understands..maybe i dont even understand the true depth of my despair.. maybe i dont know just how far i am willing to go to escape from myself..i want to escape..i want to go away..and im afraid that i am slipping..that i am falling back into the old stuff..i want my escape and i know what it takes to get it..but am i willing to do it..willing to go and get my razors back...as long as its hidden and no one knows then what is the harm? i dont like myself..i barely tolerate myself..and i miss the nothingness that i could escape to..the emptiness where everything is stopped..everything is quiet..my head is quiet..i just want a break i think.
but i have to work..i have to make it through each day..but i find no real enjoyment in anything..i find no enjoyment in life..in living..i am existing but i am not living..ive never lived..and so i have nothing that truly holds me here..there is nothing in this world for me..and im tired of looking for a reason to stay..
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