I AM NOT ANYONES KEEPER. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FREAKING SELF AND WELL MY CATS. THATS IT. JUST BECAUSE I TOOK SOMEONE FREAKING HOME DOES NOT MEANS I THAT AM RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING TRACK OF THEM EVERY FREAKING SECOND OF EVERY FREAKING DAY.
im frustrated ..and upset and just not in a good space at all right now. i dont like it being implied that im supposed to know what someone else is doing every second of every day. now i remember ehy it is im always so careful about mommy and telling her that i am hanging out with anyone. last time i checked my friend was a grown adult and able to take care of herself without my help before she met me. so why should it be any different now???!! why is it that suddenly everyone is concerned because she cant be reached and im being called like i have tabs on her. like i know what she is doing with her day. wtf i dont know where she is at and im sorry you cant get her but damnit its not my responsibility at all. and i have to remember that. it makes me mad becuase mommy is doing her usual thing fishing for information and im refusing to give any..and so once again i feel like im lying to mommy just to cover my own self. but i hate being questioned. i hate feeling like a total stranger came walk into our house and be liked more than me. be valued more than me. be supported and talked to and helped. and i just sit there and listen and hear and its like really ?! what does she have that i dont? what is it about me that makes me just so unlikeable..unloveable. not needed for anything or anyone . and its not fair and i guess that makes me sound incredibly patheitc and childish. im jealous. i am. because i dont know whats wrong with me.
if i died would anyone freakin notice. its like i really do need a flashing sign above my head that demands i get noticed. that demands for someone to talk to me. to see me. to just realize that i am infact alive. but no. im not good enough for that. i never have been and i most certainly should know better than to expect any differently.
2 comments:
I would notice if you were not here. You are worthy of attention and I say wear a sign if it means people realise they need to pay more attention :)
thanks Tara. i appreciate that .
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