deep inside my secrets ..are just more secrets.

the topic of well a lot of stuff came up in therapy on tuesday..and i do think i got really scared at one point and started to completely shut my head off to avoid talking about stuff..sometimes i cant explain and get scared and then i cant explain even more. although i did finally get around to asking if we could talk about something else. shoot even that was hard. but i was feeling incredibly just not connected and needed to stop the subject. its like just getting so floaty and stuck and my head feels like its just stuffed full of cotton and it takes so long to think and piece things together and make sense.  being scared stinks :( mind stopping fear stinks even worse. ugh. sometimes its just hard to break through all of my old thinking..i still have to get past the need to defend what happened, the blame, the guilt, denial, fear, crap..by the time i get myself in a place to tlak about it then its time to go! yeah..great benefits of therapy there. i mean i know i have to do the work although i do try hard to aviod it, but i do talk more now..little bits and pieces at a time. i have to keep myself calm and sometimes that doesnt work..calm gives way to fear and well fear stops me cold..i swear it would be easier to give up like every drug in the world over talking about my past...and so yeah i couldnt go there during this past session..i did a little bit before in the session before that though..but this time we talked about mommy an awful lot..and well i say it was an awful lot but it prolly wasnt that much..but well me and my relationship with talking is still pretty low..so yeah..big deal all we talked about..and even now i am working my way around the topic instead of just diving into and figuring out what it is about the talk that is bothering me so very much..something is bothering and im just not sure what it is..umm well we talked about my fear of men and relationships..and that was the conversation that i had to stop because i got way to scared and lost. i dont know.  tallked about work a little bit.and my lack of motivation with showing up to work and doing my work..that is a royal pain in the butt..but then we talked about mommy and i dont remember how the conversation started ..its just some how we were talking about mommy.  mommy has a lot of control over me..and being away from home helps a little bit with that..but then going home just destroys it..and it takes forever for me to feel like i am ok again after going home and being at home.  i still argue with myself about going home and having to listen and having to ask permission for stuff...i say i want someone to just tell me what to do at times..but i hate hate hate mommy telling me what to do or what to say or how to act.  linda said that mommy and her behaviors towards me are inappropriate and that there are no boundaries and that what mommy does and says is just wrong and unsupportive..and it makes me think of old stuff..it makes me remember all the times that mommy has told me i am bad or stupid or selfish..all the times she told me that she gets me mad because then she knows ill do what she says..she knows ill shut up..and mommy did tell me that i was to selfish to ever get married..while at the same time telling me that i need to date..that i need to talk more..that i need to learn how to talk to men and all of that..and it is embarrassing and it all does upset me..and makes me wonder why it is that i cant be like everyone else..and why it is that i am the one stuck struggling with all of this mess and cant seem to get a handle on any of it..i dont want to date..i dont want to be touched ever and i guess i dont feel like i have enough love in me for anyone else..its not like i have extra laying around somewhere..i dont have enough for myself..so why would i bother with figuring out how to give some to someone else..no i like being around ppl that i know what nothing from me..i like being around ppl who already have boyfriends or girlfriends or they are married..or what ever it is that means that belong to someone else..and so i will be left alone..the thought of having someone in my bed..like umm ..no not happening..but back to mommy..mommy uses everything i do and say against me..and when i was younger i tried hard not to say anything to her..but then i was always in trouble for something and well she talked to me alot..she yelled at me alot..she hit me alot..writing this does make me want to cut. a lot.  there are just too many things in my head right now and so much that i am thinking and trying to write and its getting all jumbled up..and makes me feel really anxious...i dont know what i want from mommy..i know that i still try to do what she tells me to because i want her to like me..to love me..and at the same time i dont want anything from her.  but im stuck to her. i try to stand up for myself and get told to stop..get told to stop being selfish..get told that she is mommy and that im supposed to tell her stuff and do stuff for her..for a long time i questioned why she just didnt give me back if i was such a bad person..such a bad kid..she was paid to keep me..and now its like i have to pay her back for everything she ever did for me..im still afraid of mommy ..and im still afraid of being hit..i hate when she just sits and watches me..i hate doing anything around her..and almost any conversation makes me feel ganged up on..like i have to defend myself and what i do..but things are always my fault..its my fault about my car..its my fault about everything..linda says mommy has brainwashed me..and i guess i do understand where that comes from..because its as if no matter how much i fight it she is always there..i used to be scared that she would just show up randomly to check on me..ive stopped that one mostly..but i do get scared that she will just turn up some days..and i feel guilty and ashamed of myself for even feeling guilty..how is it possible to like myself when i have mommy always telling me what i need to change about my self..telling me who i should be more like..ive never been enough..not for her..and so im not enough for me either..ive gone out of my way to destroy myself..and i havent stopped..its just changed a bit..because ive learned old habits dont really die..they just get hidden..and my desire to die really hasnt gone any where..its just a little farther away..im more afraid of trying to kill myself and mommy finding out and being so so mad at me..thats what scares me..the fact that i want to die does not scare me anymore because i dont care..and all i do is wonder why it is that no one seems to understand just how much it is that i dont like myself..im a bad person but i just get so stuck trying to explain why..im just bad..awful ..stupid.whatever. there is nothing worth loving in me at all..and maybe that is why mommy is so intent on making me be someone else.. why cant i just be someone else..have someone elses life..and give up my poor pathetic existence?  everyone would be happy then right ? i guess mommy taught me well...i dont need her to beat me up..i do it without any help..and im awfully good at it..i already know what hurts my feelings and i know how to be mean to myself and still be as nice and supportive to someone else..there is nothing left for me to give myself..there isnt. sometimes im just tired of trying at all..tired of having to convince myself that i am worth something..that i am okay..but its all lies..im just wasting my time lying to myself and just i dont know. guess im a bit depressed tonight..sleep may be a good idea...