there is so much going on right now and i am overwhelmed..im tired and not feeling well and just freaking overwhelmed..
this weekend was the start of some medical stuff and its just not getting better...the gyno issues are still going on and still a big big issue..ive tried the meds but i stop them and that is my fault..but the bleeding and cramping and general suckish feeling continues..and i ended up in the emergency room...ive never felt so alone in my life..in pain..doped up..and stuck in the er all by myself..there was no one to go with me..and i was just sad and sick and scared...i had to have a gyno exam and that freaked me out..i tried to get away from the doc and her fingers but of course there was no where to go..but alas no infection just a heck of a lot of bleeding..and pretty much i was told that i would have to get in touch with my reg gyno and talk to her about it all...on friday i should be able to get my birth control filled and will happily go back on it..but the other issue was that my blood pressure was up and just getting higher..it topped out at around 230/1something..here i am drugged up to my eyeballs and trying to listen to the doc about my blood pressure and how it is dangerously high..and all of this and the meds have me so far in lalala land that i dont know what to do..so they kept me..and kept me some more..and i stayed even though i didnt want to..and even though i was scared and super on edge after the exam..and im just quietly in there you know..just waiting and listening to the doc talk about me .. i dont like the er and hope i never have to go back again..but well its started all sorts of stuff :( mommy is calling me repeatedly and telling me all sorts of junk i need to do..and checking on me and everything..and i swear its like she thinkgs im going to die or something you know...but in general i just have not been feeling great..and im now on so much medicine and nothing is working out right now..my depression is still really bad you know..and now add in all sorts of other medical issues and i just feel so very miserable..
now today..the sick feeling has come and gone you know...sometimes i feel ok and then a head ache starts in and just refuses to let go and i cant think and just want to go home and i cant deal with anything you know..supervisor says take it easy...head says get up and go to work ... cant not work..but im going to try to take it easy..at least for this week...i need to regroup..build up some strength or something..im all out of my reserves of dealing with stuff and needing to be on top of stuff...it makes me tired..it makes me sad and frustrated and upset..and i feel like i cant deal..but at the same time i know that i just have to much going on to not talk care of myself..and thats one of the problems..i just dont know how to take care of myself :( right now i so very much want comfort and caring and support and i guess im just not getting it..i dont know..
and well now on to my super duper mind numbing concern of the day....i found out that my 16yr old niece is pregnant..and that her mom wants nothing to do with her or the baby..the 16yr old has a doc appt tomorrow and i guess ill find out from mommy how that goes...but at the same time the obsessed person in me completely wants to adopt the baby if she has the baby...gosh ive almost got the whole thing worked out in my head you know lol...i want the baby..i want to help the kid..but am i biting off more than i can chew??? i seriously jumped the gun with this one and was like yes i will take the baby if she has it. this is a very immature 16yr old and i really wonder at her ability to take care of a baby..she is still a baby..what is she going to do ?? am i wrong for wanting to help the baby? does that make me selfish and self absorbed?? am i just looking out for my own interest?? and the major major question that i dont want to ask myself and what i am trying so hard to avoid asking myself..is can i handle a baby? a living breathing this is now my child sorta baby. you know there can be no returns..no give backs...what will i do with a baby? what will i do with work ? and no savings and not a lot of support? can i handle a baby with the way my mood goes up and down? im not stable on my meds right now..im not stable financially..heck im just in general tottering on the edge of a break down and yet i am seriously considering this..maybe it is just that i so very much want to feel loved .. i want to be needed..i want to be important..i want to take care of a child and call her my own..but is it the right choice?? would the better thing be to support the mom and help her get situated to raise her baby..without a stable place to live this 16yr old is looking at some major things you know..she is bringing a baby into the world that she can not support...i dont know..maybe i just need to think about it more..figure it out more..i want to make the right choice..but am i willing to make the sacrifice to have a baby..to raise a baby...do i have it in me to be a real true parent?? i guess that is the question...and i dont have an answer for it yet..i really dont..
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