so i got a dream analyzed today by the clinical supervisor ..and well its making me think...and so i need to write it down and see if i can remember what she said..
ok so the dream....
i wake up and im out of it..feeling drugged kinda..and decide that i want to go to get something to eat..and so i go to like mcdonalds and i drive there but i cant get my car to go into the drive through correctly..and so i finally just park and get out...and i go into mcdonalds and get something to eat...someone i know gives me something to eat..and i sit there a little while..before deciding to leave..and then i leave and i cant find my car..the parking lot has expanded and grown and im lost and cant find my car and start to freak out and i have my keys and i keep just walking around and looking for my car..and i cant find it anywhere..and so i end up in like this basement..i go down somewhere..im underneath something..and down there i see this guy..and i realize rather quickly that where im at is not a good place to be..like my head is screaming danger..and i start to go backwards and and climbing back up and out..and the dude is following me..and keeps following me until he catches up with me..and well um hurts me..and then im like back to wandering the parking lot except now i dont have anything..i dont have my keys or money or anything..and am starting to really freak out..i run into my brother..and he tells me i odnt need to call the cops..and that i need to go home...im trying to convince him that i need to call the cops..and instead he gets me to go home with him..i go home and im trying to tell mommy wait happened and that i lost my car and that im sorry and freaking out about being in trouble with her...and she tells me again to not call the cops..and so i stay at home for a while..im positive i know who has my car..im accusing this person awfully and like saying all sorts of things and trying to convince everyone tht i know where my car is and who has it...well im not being listened to so i leave the house and am walking on this patth behind my house..and it leads to this big field and there are tons of people there and they are like setting up for some big thing..and im trying to walk by and not call attention to myself and im sneaking along and i see people i know but i dont approach them and no one approaches me..and i just am kinda watching and walking..and all of that..and so i make it through that and end up in a big parking lot type area..lots of cars and im looking again for my car..and trying so hard to find it and i cant and im positive that you know if i just look hard enough i will find it..and then i wake up...
she asked me what the theme of the dream was..the mood...and i told her that you know it wasnt happy..but i wasnt sure..another lady in the office asked if i was afraid or disillusioned..and i told her that at some points i was afraid..and finally i said..the dream wasnt based in reality..and i dont know how i came up with that ..but i feel that its true..there are parts of it that i cant put into words that makes me think of the nonreality parts..of now some things i saw or did just werent normal or realistic..and so i just told her that it wasnt based in reality..
and then she analyzed...
so i explained my dream to her..and it was a pretty long one..and well what she told me was that in the dream it started out that i was in control..and that i may have been zoned out and dazed but i still have control because im driving my car..and that i couldnt get the control to go where i wanted...going for food means i was looking for nurishment..losing my car means that i was losing control..lost control....going down into the basement arera means going back into my subconcious and there i find something that i dont like and so i am trying to get away from it..but it follows me out..and hurts me (that part i added in because i glossed over the well details for that section) ...but then ive still lost control because i cant find my car..and that im still looking for it means that im still trying to find that control...running into my brother and going home shows that im going to somewhere famialiar somewhere that could cause comfort...going home and not being allowed .convinced to call the cops shows that they think i dont need help..that i am fine...leaving the house again shows that i am still looking for my own answers..looking to get my control back in some way...running into the large group of ppl that im trying to get by without being noticed shows that i am not listening to others opinions and still trying to find my own way..and that i awake before finding my car shows that i am still looking for my answers..looking for my control ....
and now im not sure if i want to scream in horror that she spelled it out for easily ..or if i want to go and hide under a rock or something for thinking that she knows to much..ugh..i dont understand how one dream can be so accurate..maybe im looking to much into it..but its easy to believe her..its easy to believe her take on it..because she doesnt flying spit about my life outside of work..and yet she tells me all of this stuff that is fairly accurate..and its scary..creepy even...and im not sure how to take it yet..she asked me if it was accurate..and i told her i needed to think about it..but it is accurate..that part is obvious..in the worse way its obvious..but it throws me off big time..cas it makes me want to ask her about another dream but the other dream was highly involving pretty blanant sexual abuse and im not sure how to word the bring without revealing the true nature of what was going on..i want to know what it means but im afraid at the same time to come out with something that personal...that indepth..that real...i dont know if i can even sit in front of someoone and get out the words..and although i really want to know what it means..i dont know if i can...i have yet to say the words 'abuse or sex or physical or emotional' none of it..i cant say it..i cant speak it or acknowledge it..or anything..and i know that the one time it did come up with my old t i sat there for a long while trying to figure out a way to say what happened on a TV SHOW! it wasnt even about me..it was a stupid tv show and i was trying to explain that the girl was hurt..by her dad..and i was trying to tell my old linda what happened on the show..and i got so choked up..so scared..i couldnt get the words out..i couldnt tell her..i tried and got so frustrated and scared and just couldnt do it :( in the end i just told her the girl was hurt..i didnt say how..i didnt explain anything else..i was able to give all the details about the show right up until the part that showed what happened..right up to the part that showed how she was hurt..and i couldnt talk anymore..i couldnt say anything or think or get myself to calm down due to the fear..and i was afraid..very very afraid....i dont remember what we talked about linda and i after that..i know we touched on how hard the conversation was for me and she tried to get me to talk about why and what caused me to close up..shut down...and i couldnt tell her..i didnt know ..:( i still dont think i know or truly understand how big the fear was/is .. i not sure i can ever get to the bottom of all of that...
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