shock..

am i  really moving?  am i really getting things set up? packing, organizing, planning...wow...it seems all so surreal...so distant and yet it is right around the corner...im having trouble concentrating...there feels like there is so much to do..so much to get done..and i get caught up in figuring out what i have to do and what i have already done...im scared...very scared of the change..and im caught somewhere between happiness and terror..im afraid to be alone..but i crave the silence...the stillness of being alone...im worried about things working out and planning on things not working out..and feeling afraid of things...im fidgety today..big time...im counting down the days..and i really want to cry because it all seems so close..and im scared of it all just blwoing away from me before i can grasp it..becuase this is freedom in a way that i have not had it before...this is me living alone when i know i can afford it..when i know that i will be able to make it work..this is me changing from almost the year ago when things completely fell apart..and seemed like death was the only way ouy because i had screwed up so very much...and still it took months and a lot of failures and mistakes..and chances..and changes to get where i am right now..today..at this moment...a lot of rejection..a lot of thinking and processing and fear...and lot of doubt and second guessing ..and a heck of a lot of tears...and im at this place..where i am about to move out on my own again..where i am planning and looking towards the future..and actually able to see just a bit of hope..and a bit of freedom..a place to call my own..completely and utterly..a place where i will be safe and alone and able to express myself anyway i want too...and at the same time i am very afraid of that freedom..im afraid that i will mess it up some how that i will struggle and just screw it all up somehow..but im trying not to think of that...im trying to keep facing forward and moving forward...but right now im just afraid to take another step...im stuck in that space where i have become to comfortable..and im afraid to step into the unknown and move away from what i know..but isnt this what i wanted?  isnt this the freedom i have wanted since i was old enough to think of running away...all i want is a place to call my own..a place to feel safe..and free ..a place to be myself without fear from anyone...and i am standing at the door..right now...im standing in at door and all i have to do is open it..and step through. .and gain all that i want...and fear stops me...fear blocks me...the unknown keeps me chained in this spot..and i am unable to move..or decide..or just go with it..knowing that it will happen either way does not help..i know that come march 1st i will hasve the keys to my new apartment...i will be moving items in..i will be moving furniture in..i will be gradually moving to being on my own...and yet..still i am chained in this spot..and i am unsure of which way to go...