confused and wondering .....

so..i saw linda today..and i am feeling a bit put off right now...bothered i guess is the way i am feeling..and its well bothering me..darn it...linda talked to me today about my process and well nearing the end of reaching my goals and being able to move on without her..and well it was as usual in one ear and out the other..but im getting the feeling that she is very serious about this..and is going to whether i want her to or not bump me down to every other week..like within the next two weeks..and no i dont like the idea..yes im incredibly worried about messing up or moving backwards..and well all sorts of things are going on in my mind right now..and im frustrated...very..because if i want to be logical yes i can acknowledge my improvements...i can acknowledge that ive grown and am in general doing better of dealing with things..and im not hurting myself persay..and all of that..and im talking more..and so technically i am reaching my goals..but at the same time i hate that im reaching my goals..and im feeling very mad at myself for even being in this spot...and i dont know what to do about it...im sure i have homework but i dont remember what it is..im hoping i remember it by next week because well im sure this conversation will be not dropped...but i dont know what im supposed to do...i wonder why i am getting better..im wondering if i really am getting better or if im just faking...but i go to see linda every week..and she knows everything pretty much that is going on with me..and how im feeling and stuff..and still she says i will be ok coming every other week..am i the only one feeling my craziness and unstableness ?? am i making up that im feeling crazy and unstable..ugh...because yes i am doing better..but im afraid of the change..and of not needing the help..i understand that with therapist you know ..they are all different..they all get u to a certain place and then its time to move on..but then i feel so jealous of the people who keep there thearapist for years and years and who have that stable never ending support..but then i have to wonder about what the real goals are..and whether or not i want to stay in therapy forever...dont i want to feel better? to manage better?  isnt that the chance my therapist is giving me? and i guess its either i take it or leave it..but its happening and i just am going to have to deal with it...i dont like it at all though..and im still not sure how im really feeling about it...a lot of upset and sad feelings about it..wondering if somehow i have screwed up things for myself again...im afraid to lose the support though..im afraid to trust myself and acknowledge completely that i really am doing better...she didn't mention you know not seeing me at all..and i guess i need to have clear set boundaries in place for like emergencies and crisis and all of that..but im wondering will i manage?  how will i manage?? i cant ignore the logistics though..every other week will free up my schedule a bit..it will give me more time and space to pay off my huge bill...and get all that in order..and it will get me through the well possible gap in insurance..so i can see the logics of it..but i dont want it..and it makes me want to just sit down and throw a flat out tantrum and figure out a way to make her keep me..and to keep seeing me every week..and im just upset that i am improving i guess.. i think i really need to figure out what it is that i want right now..and im feeling just kinda unsure of things ... and unsure of where to go from here ..and what it is that i need to do...

but as for other things..im feeling a little doubtful you know..about decisions and jobs and where im going from here...i am waiting to hear back about the job and the apartment..and should know something about both by friday..either good or bad news...and so then ill be able to move forward from there..but the anxiety and fear that the waiting is causing is a bit of a bother...im nervous..and scared...and i keep wanting to go over and over the choices..the pros and cons..heck sometimes i just want someone to tell me what the right choice is..but im trying to keep writing out my thoughts and doubts and fears about it all...i asked one of my supervisors at work about change and well moving on and stuff...and she told me to trust my instincts..and to go forward with whatever i decide fully..and she also told me to write out the pros and cons and stuff...so yeah got a lot to think about and process still..ugh..

still having an issue with the bleeding and what not..and im wondering if i had the wrong script called in..and i cant remember which med i had that worked...cas i had two meds i tried..and now i cant remember..but yeah..its still a problem..and its just making me tired that i cant like fix this..and i dont want to call the doc yet..but ill have to..cas its just bothersome..and i dont think im feeling good..or maybe im just tired of dealing with it..and i just will go to the doc so that it will stop..i am very tired of dealing with it..and well im tired of buying new undies..essh..so yeah will have to go soon..or as soon as i know for sure about insurance and money ill go..

all of a sudden today im not feeling well..i was fine this morning and almost in a decent mood..and then saw t and that got me down a bit..but i was able to refocus on some work stuff for a while..and then i went to run errands and kinda got down again..and then with all the female issues being a big problem today..im just feeling tired and out of it a bit..and just tired...im worried that i have some medical things going on ..and im just kinda afraid to go to the actual doc and find out that i have all this stuff going on..and suddenly im a little worried about possible diabetes because ive been going to the bathroom a lot but i know that im not drinking enough to be going so much..i know im dehydrated and should be drinking way more water..than the soda that im constantly drinking..but ive never had a problem with my sugar or sugar processing before..and im not over the top with sweets and stuff..im really not...i dont believe ive gained weight recently..i think im pretty much staying level with things weight wise..but yeah im letting myself become afraid of things that i dontt know and im prolly blowing all of this out of proportion...but still the underlying thing is that i need to go to the doc and im putting it off and blaming it on all sorts of things..and well truthfully no i dont have the extra money yet ..and i feel like im already on so many meds..and will have to keep adding on more and i just have so much stuff going on..and suddenly i have to start paying attention to all of this stuff..and taking care of myself and all of that and its overwhelming...very overwhelming...

and well on to kitty issues of the week...bounce has ear mites..and well the vet gave me meds for them..once a week for a month..and she will be fine...ive given her the meds twice now..and shes still scratching a bit..but well yesterday i noticed a sore on her face..underneath one of her ears..and its this little red spot and it looks a little inflamed..i asked heather to look at it and she mentioned it possibly being from scratching too..and she gave me some ear wipes and a itching spray..and im keeping an eye on it..and well im hoping it clears up ..but it could possibly be another trip to the vet..ugh...and well shes going to get spayed on friday..and so that will be a super early day because she willl have to be dropped off at 7:30am..essh..thats gonna be a long long day...and well im not sure yet if i need to do the vet instead of doing the spaying..and see...well i guess really i need to figure out money first and then figure out plans...i think its gonna be tight until the 15th...and so yeah..

goodness...i once again have so much going on...and i wonder why i always feel so stressed out!! darn it

-sigh-