i have to focus if im going to write but im not sure i even want to know what im thinking right now..i woke up wanting to die..which is a problem all by its self because its prolly not a good idea to wake up wanting to die..ok so my only thought before that was wondering where in the world dusti was hiding..but i wondered if i was dead..and then logic set in and its like well your still breathing so you arent dead..well to bad for me cas i wanted to be dead..just dont know why..just one of my lovely thoughts i try not to think about except now i cant freaking get away from them..the entire time mommy has been gone its been like seriously depressing and i dont know why..no i wasnt going to throw a party or anything but i thought it would be better..i thought i would ffeel better..and not feel so stupid or lost or confused..or angryy..thats a big one..theres no where for the anger to go..and i cant take it out of myself..and im really really regretting that i said i wanted to stop...or lessen or whatever when it comes to cutting..i really am..and the more i think about it the more angrier i get..and its like ok who gets to deal with it...and im obviously not because i dont know how and im still trying to avoid it...and then i think ok fine im mad at linda for making me agree to it..but its not even like she made me agree..my stupid idea..im really gonna have to stop thinking up ways to help myself..good grief it sucks big time..i hate it.. i really do..and then i have to wonder what in the heck it is im hating..because funny i havent cut..i figure my last and i do mean last effort is to call linda and i dont want to do that just yet..so i havent cut because i dont really want to talk about why i did it..but i want it so much...i need it..i miss it..i want it..thinking about it reall makes me want to cry.. and it shouldnt..it shouldnt be this hard..i shouldnt want it back and i do..i swear to stop again..i promise..i wonder if it would make a difference if i swear to be good...dont know when i was bad but ...
i dont know whats wrong with me today..or yesterday or the day before that either..everything suddenly got a lot harder..i want to cut but i dont want linda to be disappointed in me..i would be disappointed in me..not mad just disappointed..guess i need to know that they are different..
dont want to write anymore
nevermind all of it
1 comment:
Sorry things are hard. Remember I care about you. Keep up the good work/effort of working through the pain. Love you.
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