hadnt considered..

maybe im trying to hard with it all and its stopping me from getting to the bottom of any of it..and until a friend brought it up i really hadnt considered it much..but maybe i am trying to hard to just be like everyone else i guess..to expect that it will all happen overnight and it will all be ok and ill just start talking about everything cas thats how its supposed to be..and thats just not how it is..thats not how i work..so maybe i have been going about it all the wrong way and pushing to hard to get better in a way and have everything fixed and ok because thats how i want it to be..patience..tolerance..acceptance..all things i really do not currently apply to myself..i want to rush and thats not doing anything but making things harder in some aspects. i dont go to work and expect my kids to master something overnight. that wouldnt be fair to them. that would be asking a heck of a lot. but i do it with myself. i expect myself to do everything, to manage everything, and thats not fair at all.
guess i have been pushing a bit hard lately..will have to work on slowing down i think. stepping back a little bit. i think that will make things a little bit easier to manage if i would just chill out a bit im told

ok anyway..umm chatted a little last night about the s/i and eating issues..and how in giving up one, replacements are trying to come back. like the s/i and purging go back and forth. cant do them both at the same time, its either one or the other. and without cutting its like yes b/p is back. and that just is not good. cant replace it with something else that will be hard to give up. no havent really addressed it but id rather it didnt get any worse. so i was thinking about eating and there is a lot of worrying about how it is scary trying to eat and for it to be healthy without resorting to ed behaviors. its so hard finding the line between whats ok and whats not ok when it comes to eating and not going overboard with it. its another foreign area, do something because its good for you not because it will turn into another way to restrict or binge because i can..and because its easy to get away with. somehow things just have to be put into perspective and that would also have to involve ignoring a lot of what the mom says about me. because yes weight is an issue but i have to deal with it not her. so it cant be about her or what she thinks and wants. i have to cut down on the snacking and junk food though, and have decided to start actually cooking again. decided to just work on eating healthier/organic without being vegetarian. suddenly feeling more concern for the earth and what not and all the green stuff coming out is pretty cool you know.



so lots to think about..and maybe i do already have something to talk to therapist about tomorrow. maybe she will be able to help me come up with some ideas about how to have more patience and slow down some things..worth a try i think