hmmm

my thoughts have been getting away from me a bit lately...thinking about so much stuff and hating that well therapy had to be moved to friday..how am i going to make it to friday!! but then i find it funny that i will have to go back on tuesday and its like well gee things dont really have time to get bad before i have to go back! but now that ive gotten past the fact that i need to go and actually show up..come the thoughts of whether or not i really need to go...because some days im ok and then i think i dont need to go because everything is fine ..and then there are some days when i can barely manage to care enough to keep myself alive and then its like ok fine ill go..makes no sense because you would think that i would be able to just know and stick with one thing..but no i have to go back and forth on it all..and it sucks even more because its become almost a daily thing..

and no i havent been cutting..the thoughts on it have gotten much easier to deal with..and now i think my anger and unrest about not doing it is just leading to some incredibly misplaced anger issues..because it makes no sense to be mad at t when i know shes not going to be mad at me or hit me for anything..but its just that i know i have the list of distractions..i know im supposed to use it for the most part..but what i didnt factor into the whole lovely equation of my life is that a lot of the time i juts flat out dont want to use it..like i dont car eat all and i dont want to look at the big picture or what will happen later..i want my escape and i cant have it and that is just really upsetting..but then i go and refuse to acknowledge..ok maybe not refuse to acknowledge it but just kinda ignore it i guess..and i can get away with all of it except the one little part that says call linda..what in the heck was i thinking when i agreed to that one?? because i didnt realize obviously that suddenly what she says would be important you know...and its really knowing that i have to call and dont want to call that stops me from cutting..for the most part..because if i really did want to give in i know in the end i would call..but until it gets that bad its just a way to put it off..maybe thats a good thing..maybe its not..i dont know..but right its juts a pain because its stopping me from having what i want..and so i dont know what to do with my anger over the whole thing and so i just kinda direct it at her...dont know why i dont direct it at myself though..i dont think it would make any sense to do that in this situation..im already mad at myself for not giving in..yea my funny little loyalty streak comes up just when i dont need it too...because i care enough about what linda thinks to not want to own up to the fact that ive cut..so i wont do it..because if i did and told her then that would mean talking about it and i dont want to talk about it or think about it or wonder why in the heck i want it so much..no that would be bad..so instead i just ignore it all and just stay mad about the whole thing..it doesnt make sense anymore..and it should.i want it to and it doesnt..and i hate that it doesnt because that means something is wrong and i dont want anything to be wrong..but it is and i know it but am making the choice to ignore it and that doesnt make it go away either..i hate not being ok..i hate not feeling ok..i hate not being able to control my moods..because if im ok one minute theres no reason at all to not be ok the next minute..i shouldnt be going from fine to suicidal in an hour of doing absolutely nothing..

so in my warped little mind..that im constantly trying to get out of and havent managed to accomplish just yet..which is another pain in the butt..because no i dont happen to enjoy what i think about most of the time..most of the time is just a million things to worry about..but once i start up the i hate yous..my head becomes a place that i really dont want to be in..ok so im going to take a vacation from my mind..ill be back next year..dont make me do anything stupid thanks! -sigh- things are just hard..because i want to be ok and its like its taking to long to get there..i have days..hours..when i really am ok..and then i have days and weeks where all i think about is ways to die or crashing my car..or cutting and burning..and where to hide it..long well thought out plans at times..where do i get some of the stuff thats in my head? where does it come from exactly? because ive managed to turn every single thing around and the rest of it i just cant remember..so its not exactly as if i trust my memory..and that bothers me the most as usual..i dont understand how i managed to forget so much..i dont know why..im not sure i really want to know why but i know that if i dont figure it out then ill be wondering about it for the rest of my life..and that makes me feel miserable and sad...how can i forget my life? i live it..i have lived it..ive done a million different things and its like nothing is there anymore..i understand that its normal to forget some things..that your not going to be able to recall you know the day you were born..but i guess its hard to wrap my head aaround the fact that so much is gone..its not like im 50 and have that many years to deal with remembering..i cant even seem to remember my meager 25..ok 24..its not fair..because yea i did pay just a bit of attention in classes in college..and even though i dont like to admit just how much i do know about some things doesnt mean im completely clueless either..but why trust what i think? because if i just went and said something bad happened then what will that give me? just a bunch more questions that i dont have answers for..things i dont want to think about because its like if i try i cant focus anymore..and it makes me so anxious and scared because yea well something happened but i dont know what it was exactly..and that just makes me feel crazier than usual..why cant it just be simple and easy and just everything just kinda becomes my fault..because i was bad..and that one has an even simpler answer.. because duh it wasnt your fault..no matter how many ways you try to explain it to yourself or anyone else ..you dont completely forget that it really wasnt your fault..your to quiet to be that bad..anyone who know you can tell you that..funny thing is..i wouldnt look at anyone as a kid either..because there was a video tape of all of us as kids..i guess i was 6 or 7 i dont know..but i was reading a book..upside down..but never once looked up..so i guess it makes me sense you know to stop trying to hard..to stop hiding..and i say that today because it just so tiring and confusing and depressing..and because i might as well write this down while im thinking about it and feeling slightly ok..

but im sick of thinking for the day