withdrawl and other things

i promise to never ever ever say anything at all about a person going through withdrawl from anything...it feels like im going through withdrawl..it feels like i want to just claw at my skin because i want release..and cant have it..wont let myself have it..thoughts of cutting just invade my head ..i want to yell or scream or cry..something..anything..i want the calmness..the escape..the relief..had therapy today ...wasnt pleased because i did call her in the end yesterday..didnt cut..freaked big time but didnt cut.and she got back to me last night while i was still up and we talked...and so she kinda knew i wasnt ok when i saw her today..we talked about lots of different things and i zoned out during some of it..but we talked a bit about cutting and how im getting frustrated with all of it because it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with all of it without my usual means of escape..and i think that and want to just throw a tantrum..i hate that its true..i hate that i cant seem to escape myself anymore..i hate that i b/p the other day and now my chest hurts when i breathe to deeply..but thats something else entirely..its just hard..everything now..but she did congratulate me on making it through yesterday..and i told her i was more mad at myself than pleased that i had made it without cutting..but then we talked about other stuff and i asked her a question that she told me she didnt want to answer..have to admit that i felt rather pleased that i made her feel just a bit uncomfortable..i didnt mean to but once i knew she didnt like the question..it evened the playing field in a way..yea theres stuff i dont want to talk about and makes me uncomfortable..but its the same for her too..well not the same stuff or anything..but still..i wasnt sorry i asked.. i was disappoiinted in her answer for some odd reason though..but i did freak/shut down at the end when i asked the dumbest question in the history of questions and then never gave another straight answer..yes i know what the rules for confidentiality are..yes they have been the same for forever..and yet i asked her anyway if everything i said was confidential when duh yea it is..but she asked why i wanted to know and didnt have an answer..so i gave a really lame one..and believe me it was really lame! but she let it go and retold me all the info i already knew...and she asked if i was thinking of teling her something..and she also asked questions relating to abuse and yea my head just emptied of making complete sentences at that moment..and i really wouldnt look at her at all..like worse than my usual not looking at her..freaked when i left though..but just wrote and texted..and emailed until i left ok enough again..and then i went to work...

and now im getting ready to go and get mommy and im feeling nervous ...scared...anxious..i wish her trip had been longer..i wish i hadnt been so suicidal while she was gone and could have enjoyed it more..