feeling really disappointed..sad..angry..i dont know..its just so hard..maybe i cant be helped..maybe its not worth it to keep trying if i cant do it..i hate this..i go every single week..and its like its not enough to break through...everything is forgotten as soon as i sit down and start to get nervous cas i dont know what to say..i dont know what im doing..i want to give up..screw it..i dont want to try any more..
but then i wonder how long it will take before suicide starts looking better and better...maybe therapy is all that keeps me from going and actually doing it i dont know..like there is some line that has been drawn dealing with the T and i wont cross it..doesnt matter how bad it is..it just cant be crossed..big fear in doing that..because somewhere in all the thoughts today i kinda realized that there is an ultimate goal..and it comes up every so often and then goes away again..but its just for the longest time..dying..somehow it always goes to that i guess..underneath everything the want of escaping is to much...i dont know
fighting the urge to cut..trying still at least..
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