shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..