things are changing..

i noticed today that it has been 47 days since the last time i cut and i saw that and wanted to cry..i dont know why my reaction was that way at all..its scary looking at it and knowing that i really havent done anything to myself in that long on purpose..but i also look at it and wonder when ill fail at it and cut and then have to start all over again ..and ruin it..i think the longest ive gone without doing it is 3 months or something..cant really remember but i know that i have gone for a while and then something happens and its like yes a reason to cut..and thats pretty much all its takes to remember how much i miss it..one simple little cut and everything is ok again..but then its like i just failed again at something else..which sucks because currently i feel ok..not happy..not even overly excited about anything at all..just ok i guess..not to stressed..more thoughtful than anything else i think..and its like its not enough..but i dont know why..

yea things are changing and its not sometimes i think im completely ok with...its like i guess ive just been stuck trying to wrap my head around choices and no choices and not wanting to make choices and things just sucking royally..and being ok and then not ok and wondering if crashing my car was a good idea or not..the usual stuff times about 50..but now i think my head is starting to calm down..and that worries me too..and it shouldnt but it does..ive gotten so used to my head constantly going on about something..always thinking..worrying..stressing..a million thoughts flying through my head and it never stopped..and now its slowing down..now i have to stop and think just a little bit more about things because of being back in therapy..guess in some ways it is really tiring to constantly have something on my mind and being unable to talk about it..hmm maybe that is what the change is..i know i can talk about it..doesnt mean i will..but the option is there...and its been a good long while since ive had that option..also bites to have to come to realize that getting out of therapy isnt something that is going to happen over night..ok realize and actually understand that i mean..everything is a choice right..living or dying..getting up in the morning or staying in bed..doing something or not doing something..etc and so forth...theres always a different way to do something i think..and of course i get hung up on all the stuff i cant change or control and then pissed off because things suck and its more over stuff that i cant do anything about for the most part...and then the things i can do stuff about i just kinda ignore and push out of my mind bcause i dont want to have to deal with it..i dont want to have to actually try, i dont want things to actually change because that is more scary than anything else..thats like taking everything and having to turn it around until it actually makes sense .. and thats something ive never really had to do before because well i wouldnt talk or say anything..and now i have and im still surprised that the world hasnt ended..i havent died..and linda hasnt yelled at me or anything about it..doesnt help that i have trouble piecing together thoughts and sentences when im with her..but i really did do the homework that she asked me to do and i will remember to print it out and give it to her..

hmm i have to go so i can get ready to leave though..i ended up coming to see yvonne because she was having a bad day and i really wasnt doing anything else with my time yesterday since i wasnt babysitting..so i came to greenville and hung out here and so ill have to go home at some point today..well soon cas i do have to babysit later on today..and i dont know when mommy will be home..