i guess im a bit slow in figuring out that im not good enough...or maybe ive just thought it so many times it doesnt get a reaction anymore...wrote a really long entry in my other journal and i wish there was a way to copy it because im not rewritting it..maybes its better that i wrote it in my other journal..kept me busy for over an hour at least..but it was just mostly about how ive never really been good enough..
yesterday was a really bad day..somewhere in the past few days ive become incredibly suicidal..i asked yvonne if she would keep dusti if anything happened to me..that was really bothering me because i cant die if theres not anyone to take care of dusti..but it was just really important to find that out..
i keep telling myself that linda is back and ill see her in a couple days and i just have to make it to tuesday and things will be ok again..im also thinking that i really really need to talk about suicide and what not and im not sure i can..i dont want her to be mad at me..i dont even know how to bring it up..i guess the easiest way would be to just hand over my journal and go from there but theres a lot of stuff in there recently about everything...because in trying hard not to cut my journal got more and more depressing..its funny cas i swear if anyone ever seriously figured out what was in my head i would be in the hospital because they would just think i was crazy..i feel crazy..worked really hard to not cut yesterday because i knew it would be really hard to control and if i started i didnt think i would stop..but i just felt worse and worse..did everything but cut..even managed to getting to taking my razor and staring at it for forever..stared at my arm too..and just couldnt do it i guess..so i just put it all away and tried to stay busy..except mommy just made things worse..
nevermind...im fine enough i suppose..therapy is on tuesday..guess that means ill have to keep myself alive until then
1 comment:
That is a lie from Satan. You ARE good enough. I know you haven't come to believe just yet - but please believe me when I say - God is real and Satan is real. God wants you to have a joyful life. He wants you to know how completely, unconditionally, loved you are. He wants to love you into the person who has created you to be. Satan wants to take that all away. He wants to convince you that you are not good enough. Unfortunately, others who are not strong through a faith in God, will be unwitting players in Satan's plan to keep you believing that you are not enough. Things others do will just add to that lie. But it is a LIE. Read my latest blog post. There really is a battle that is a spiritual battle not seen with eyes - but real as real can be. Satan wants you to take your life before you come to know God. He comes to "steal, kill and destroy". Christ came to give you abundant life. Who do you want to listen to???? I love you.
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