trying really hard to process

i can feel myself starting to freak out and trying to get my scattered thoughts together and even figure out what it is that is bothering me..besides the urge to cut..i dont know..ok i do know but im not sure yet how to exactly word it..first im rather surprised at myself that i actually told linda that i was mad at her for what she told me about cutting..and thinking back on it..i really was upset about it..its was all my excuses just kinda got swept away at once..but obviously i got over it for the most part..now its just like a nagging thought in the back of my head..i mean yea i know it doesnt help not really..but that doesnt mean i havent made myself believe it does..but anyway..talked about that bit ... talked about why i cut..and emotions..and for the record emotions suck big time..and then we jumped topics a bit and talked about mommy and love and lack there of and talked about linda cas for some reason i wanted to know how old she was..and then because im a dork i let her know i was suicidal without actually saying i was..funny how that worked out..but then the more she talked about the more i didnt want to talk about it but its not like it could be dropped once the subject came up..blah..i had to repromise to call if i was not feeling ok..and that was after seriously thinking about it and wanting to say no and not promise anything at all because i dont like promising that..it makes me think there is something wrong with me and i cant fix it..i hate how much it is that i toy with the idea of wanting to die and wont say anything to anyone about it..and i know that this week will be hard because of the wedding and having a lot of people around..and i also didnt mention how hard last weekend was :( ..but i am so tired of trying for no reason..and that does scare me...a lot..i dont really want to die but even now it looks like its the greatest option..the only option..and i feel bad for thinking it..but she told me she cares and is concerned..i really dont leave her in an easy position and i know that because i dont fully talk about anything .. and i dont mean too..but i guess part of me is glad she knows...part of me is really worried she knows.. and the cutting does make it harder ..

and..maybe ill finish later