why now?

i was reading a couple days ago.one of the ellen hopkins books..and i managed the other 3 fine but for some reason reading glass just seriously messed with my head..the first part of it was so much harder to deal with..like watching someone fall back into an addiction..and some how i made the whole correlation into that cutting really is an addiction..it made me want to cry..scream..deny i have a problem..i cant be addicted to anything..i just cant be..drugs..alcohol..food..thats stuff you can be addicted too..not cutting..cutting wasn't supposed to last this long..i was supposed to stop forever ago..i was supposed to control it and some how through all the years i stopped trying to control it so much..i stopped questioning the right and wrong to it..and it just was for a while..it was just something to hide..something to help with the pretending..and now its not like that anymore..and it makes me frustrated..im disappointed..but really upset too..like some where something went really wrong and everything has changed..i dont like thinking im addicted..i want to say i can stop whenever i want to again but i know i cant..i know i think i need it..think being the key word there..i know i dont need it but i tell myself i do..i have to make it ok to need it, to want it..but that doesnt excuse it away either..i dont know