suddenly not ok

its so frustrating ...im ok and then im not ok ..and i cant deal with it..just feeling like i dont exist..i cant be dead be cause im still breathing and typing so duh im not dead..but it feels like i am..i dont know..hard to explain...i want to cut because i can ..because i will be remembered that im really truly alive..except i cant do that either..i hate that ive decided to seriously work on not doing it..its like i need it right now..and ill only do it once and thats it..but that wont work either..once is never enough..it never has been..why does this always happen...im guessing its just worse now because im thinking about it more in terms of not doing it..rather dejecting though..makes me wonder if ill manage ... and im supposed to be working on a contract of some sort..because i told her in not so many words that if left up to me i wouldnt make a decision one way or the other..and i would keep changing my mind..i do keep changing i mind..i want it and i dont want it..but i need it and well no i just need it..and that makes me think of whether or not i just want myself to believe i need it..and its annoying because slowly none of my usual excuses are working and it sucks..i want them to keep working and they arent not really anymore..because the more linda points out thats nothing really changes the more i have to think about it all and wonder if shes right..and i mean yea i know shes right to a point but i dont want to completely let go of my usual thoughts lies whatever either..safety becomes an issue then..because if cutting isnt going to work then what will ? and does it have to hurt? the whole you have to care about yourself is a foreign subject..i can care about other people..but i dont really care about myself..makes it easier to get away with doing stuff like cutting and what not..if i cared then i would have to know that i was hurting myself..and on purpose..and id have to find out what was behind it..and i dont want to..if i cared then i wouldnt think i deserved it or wanted it or needed it to keep myself alive..

but i was thinking yesterday before i was suddenly not ok last night..that it makes no sense anymore to wait and hope that mommy will like/love/accept me..the way i want to be accepted..and that it just sucks because with her im not good enough..never have been..but still i waited and hoped that i would figure out what i needed to do to make it better..to be happy and ok and it was all about her but not really about me..maybe ive been doing it wrong..maybe i really does have to be me..maybe i have to learn to like/accept/love myself first..and that will have to be enough..


but on another thing..i was thinking about my birthday next month..already starting to stress out about it...but i was wondering about what i wanted..and i want to do something by myself..without mommy freaking out about it...i want to go somewhere and spend the weekend alone and be ok with it..and have fun..and quiet..since ive been really really wanting to just get away again..but i dont know yet..i dont know where i would go or what i would do..or if ill even manage it..but its what i want