motivation..thoughts

well my motivation is back..i want to find a job, another one, i want to move. and after that comes i need to move before i really go back to walking that fine line between ok and not ok. Its much harder now i think, holding my tongue, being good. Its to much wanting something i cant have. maybe it really is better to move and i say that and have to believe it. not just say it because it is a good idea. because its what everyone who matters tells me i need to do..no its different than that..if im not tied here them my options really do open a bit more..where do i want to go? how far would i be willing to move? do i want to go out of state and stay gone? maybe being here..being within driving distance is not good enough. i could go back to asheville and thats only 6 hours away from where i am now..is that far enough? will i still be expected to come home? to visit? to help? grad school comes up but i can go to grad school anywhere..and i think thats part of what keeps me here..i wanted to go back to ecu .. i wanted to go back to a place where i felt safe and heard in some ways..but maybe thats not a good idea..maybe looking at other states isnt such a bad idea..maybe a new place isnt a bad idea...but then id have to figure out where i wanted to go also lol..and then not freak and have a melt down when it came time to move! but i just dont know..so many wants and ideas and refusals all in the same thought..a little overwhelming...but the longer i stay home..the farther away i want to get..alaska not being a feasible option just yet..but cant hurt to look in some other states..grad school isnt for right now...that much i know..but a job and one i like it..just have to find it and get it..