stupid

i feel
i feel
i feel
i feel
i dont know how i feel..i feel like jumping off a building or walking into the middle of traffic..i dont know..i cant figure it out right now..i have such a headache..i want to go home and i cant..i always when anyone asks how i feel..like i know..although ive been able to pinpoint it more in the past year or so i dont want to know how i feel..i dont want to know anything really..id rather just keep everyone else happy so they will leave me alone and not really question anything..isnt it funny how utterly alone one simple little thing can make you feel? i would really like to be clued in on why it is i cant remember half of my life..considering my age its prolly more than half but suddenly today looking through some old things i realize ive 'forgotten' a heck of a lot of stuff..its not fair that i cant remember my life..i was there so i should remember..its my stupid life and yet im never really sure what is true and what isnt..or something that happened vs something that didnt..sometimes its like a light bulb goes off and suddenly i do know something and sometimes its just like walking around in the dark waiting for a clue that someone can give me..well its not like theres anyone to talk about my childhood with..it would seem stupid to just say i forgot everything that i did as a kid..how is it that i find all this stuff that i never remember writing ? or making or doing? where does it all come from..it has my name it and dates and i guess i had to have written it but it doesnt ring any bells..nothing happened when i say them all except confusion and a million questions im not sure ill ever be able to answer...it really sucks and ever sense my enlightening moment earlier all i want to do is go home and just forget about it..except now its like theres a spotlight on the gaping holes in my memory...i try to make myself remember and get nothing at all..i wonder if its possible to never really get them back if they are completely gone..i hate this..i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont want to be around the loudness that is my group..i dont want to do anything right now..

and to make things better..mommy mentioned today about going out of town for thanksgiving..i dont want to go and i could really just kick myself for being stupid enough to tell her that i didnt have to work over thanksgiving..i want to work now..except if i did then it would be like two weeks straight and that would suck but i dont wnat to travel..i cant deal with being in the car for that long anymore with her..all the questions i dont want to answer and accusations of things ive never done..

i hate my life