hmm

I am feeling really anxious right now. I feel crowded and overwhelmed with everything and I have this huge desire to just go home and cry or hide and not come out for anything. Have you ever just felt so utterly alone in everything but still surrounded by people and responsibilities? Like the smallest slip up will send everything tumbling into nothingness? I dont know why, or better is I do know why and I dont want to take the time to admit it. I dont want to face anything right now and I cant help but think of how well i managed to shut down for a good while during my last semester of college because I was freaking out so badly and not wanting to do anything. Already I have lists forming in my head of things I need to do, things I have to take care of when it comes time for me to move home. Just thinking that far into things makes me want to cry and never stop. It is such a stupid idea and yet it is the only one I really have right now. There has been to much stress trying to pay all the bills and always coming up short. There has been to many expectations and all I do is fail miserably at all of them. I want to be able to say I know what I want and where Im going but once again Im just stuck and feeling alone through all of it. I dont know what to say to make myself be heard and I dont know what to say to make everything better. Im just feeling so nervous and on edge about everything and this morning pissed me off so so much at work. Maybe it is just fear talking and if I get it all out now then everything will be better once im calm again. but i dont know if just writing will be enough. its like all i have to do is find the one button that will once again shut me off until i can handle everything again. and i want to find it. i want to just go away and disappear but even that scares me because what if i go away and cant come back? there is a huge finality to the entire situation..when its all over what will happen? what will be left? will i manage it and survive? will i go back to cutting every day again? will i stop eating or just eat and start throwing up again? will i move home and go back to being suicidal and wonder how long it will take to give in just to get away. how many times a day will i have to hear im not good enough before I believe it completely again. when will i give up completely on everything? when will i go back to being a child and completely dependent on mommy when i will be in her reach again. how long will it take before i stop talking or my tears dry up because there is nothing left to cry for. once im there it will be harder to leave, i know it will be. it will be like being trapped again and the longer i stay the harder it will be to get out. then i have to say its fine for me to go home because i know i can. because i know i can and that i dont want to makes me feel 10 times worse.

nevermind..just going to bed