sad

no it doesnt upset me this time when i start thinking of things from the past..it just makes me sad..like something was taken away and i cant get it back anymore..maybe its just my mood has been kind of mellow lately i dont know..finding out i have to go to church is starting to set me off a bit.. i have no faith in religion at all, i have a hard time believing in a god that has done nothing for me. i followed the rules as a kid and still i stayed in trouble..a lot of trouble for things i could swear i never did, sometimes for things i never remembered doing or things i just had no idea about but got the blame anyway. kinda tiring after a while always having to defend my innocence for a crime i had no part in. it is easier to accept the blame right or wrong, get in trouble, hear about it for a month, think it goes away and then when im in trouble again she will bring it back up..there is always something to be yelled at about..past or present its always there .. for as much as i cant remember i know i was always in trouble..i went to a private school for a while as a kid..church every sunday at my school..church every day at school, morning and afternoon i think for prayers and stuff..i dont think i ever liked it but im not sure..i went because i was supposed to, thats all..im guessing time passed because i do remember being baptised but i dont know why i was..i just remember having to change into a white dress thing and there were a lot of us and we left and came back one by one..i think a lot of ppl were there ..dont remember..we moved and suddenly we had a church right down the road..we could walk to much and mommy made us go..she hardly ever went but she made us go..sometimes we tried to get out of it by being really quiet in the morning and not getting out of bed..if it worked and we werent called before 10 we could get out of going to church..more often than not that didnt go...i never asked to go out with friends or anything so when it was threatened that we couldnt do anything for the rest of the day if we didnt go to church it didnt bother me any..cant miss something i never did..but when she did go to church with us we learned fast not to sit anywhere near her..kids get a bit restless in church because it can get boring after a while but talking or doing anything near her earned a pinch that bruised and hurt like hell..and if you got more than two evil looks you might as well just give up and know your in trouble once church is over..dont get caught passing notes either..never really listened to what was going on..to busy trying to stay out of trouble..im guessing i was out of high school before i had any say in whether i had to go to church or not..but i didnt go in college until catrina started taking me..after mommy found out about my cutting and decided i needed to be saved i guess..she has no idea how much i need to be saved from myself..so i went with her for a couple years and liked the fact that they had a lady pastor..sometimes i could focus enough to listen and pay attention but when ever i did that i just questioned why it was everyone was so intent to believe and i couldnt...and it just made me anxious..lasted a little while but eventually i stopped going with her too..but then mommy got into the habit of asking if i went and i lied for a couple years about going although i never did..also swore id stopped cutting and hadnt accomplished that either..for the fact that i cant lie to save my life im still a liar..no interest in going to church at all and now i have to go with a bunch of kids who cant sit still..i know ill be working and having to pay attention that they are not doing anything they shouldnt be doing...but still im nervous and on edge about it..isnt it pathetic i guess that something as little as not being able to find a way out of going to church makes me so scared..guess its cas i was never given an option before...i still hate that all the times..all the nights spent praying for anything to take us away no one ever did..no one ever came to help..whats a kid supposed to think? did everything every stupid thing and still managed to get hurt...yea life is really fair