hurt

im so confused..im upset and hurt and really cant believe this is actually going on...i found out this morning that we are having performance meetings next week and that if we need to work on anything then we will be unwelcomed next semester..which i take to mean we will be fired at the end of this semester..and if you have nothing to work on then you will be welcomed back and its like you have got to be kidding me..i have been here since this program started..i have stuck it out and dealt with all the changes i didnt like and everything that has gone on and they have the nerve to spring this on me..i had only bee half looking around for a job..i didnt know what i really wanted to do or go and now this..without a job i have to move home and i would almost rather die than do that..i cant handle being at home and i cant afford to just stay here without a job now..if im told i am welcomed back next semester im going to turn it down..i dont know if ill ever come back here again..the one place i felt safest is slipping away from me..they arent doing enough to keep the ppl they have here and they arent doing so hot about hiring the ppl we need for the rest of this semester and they have the nerve to say they are going to be telling us if we are needed next semester...its crazy and stupid and my feelings are really hurt..i called mommy this morning almost crying because it was way to much to process and all i could think of doing was calling mommy and telling her i may be going home to stay at Christmas..and she said it wasnt a problem and dusti is fine at home but just being home makes me crazy..it really really does..and i dont want to go but its like now i have to suck it up and go home until i can move somewhere else..now that it is almost actually happening im not really sure what i want to do..im starting to get really scared because it will be less than two months and my life will be uprooted again..im going to the one place i hoped and prayed i would never have to live again..i get stressed enough just visiting and now im moving..preparing to move and i dont know what to make of it at all...ive been talking to jim about it and its like make plans ..but making plans makes me nervous..i cant be at work and start having panic attacks again..that would suck ..really really suck i just dont know what im supposed to do..i dont know where to start..