backwards

how long has it been since i really cut? i dont remember the last time it hurt this much..i should feel bad that ive ruined my wrist again..and my leg and my arm..i should feel bad that i didnt stop sooner or that i just watched them all and wondered if it would really hurt to die..but eventually i stopped again and now im just here..doing nothing..doing everything..trying to figure everything out and how everything will work out..feeling stupid for being so upset over something as small as not having internet anymore for a while..stupid me for spending money on other things..never doing anything but going to work and going home..nothing but i still get yelled at for spending money..i cant spend what i dont have..ok fine yes i do sometimes go to the store and actually buy food..and sometimes i dont..and so yep i actually get paid tomorrow..and lucky me im not even getting enough to cover the two bills i have to pay..talk about fun..somehow ive gotten so many bills racked up and im not making enough to do anything but try to not let things be over due..and yet i never manage to do it right and have to ask mommy about borrowing money..sometimes i have to pay her back sometimes i dont..sometimes i get promises that she will pay me back and sometimes she does sometimes she doesnt...but i hate borrowing money because then i never hear the end of it..because there is always something and somehow its just never right or good enough..but no big deal ..no one cares about my stupid repetitive rant about nothing..i need a longer wrist band..im considering not going home for thanksgiving..im considering moving someplace where no one knows me..i want to go back to key west..i dont know what i want..but i figure if i run long enough ill just end up lost somewhere...everything is sucking right now