In the past week or so a lot has gone on. I have been really upset, sad, confused, lots of anxiety and stress, just a lot going on. I decided it would be better to just go away because my feelings are really hurt. I dont know the reasoning behind some of the things but I am worried about a friend and they are not returning my messages at all. I keep trying and keep being ignored it feels like. So now I am waiting and just hoping they are ok. good grief I lose track so very easily. hmm trying again to get my head to calm down and just focus on one thing at a time.
Today after my reappearance from a self imposed hiding bit, I have been thinking about well everything, worrying and stressing out about everything that i cant do anything to fix at all. Today of all days it is like a slap in the face when I realized that I dont fit in this world at all. I say that without being suicidal or even wanting to run away. For now I am feeling completely lucid if not incredibly sad. I dont know why it is I even came to that conclusion today but I did. I dont fit in and no matter how hard I try to, no matter how hard I try to fake it and pretend I dont think ill ever completely fit in. I cant pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me so different or unlikable. I have the huge urge to call myself bad or horrible or not good enough also, but then I guess I would have to turn it around and also say Im nice and caring and understanding. Im unerringly quiet, and isolated and I prefer to watch more than talk. When things are hard I watch the world continue and can never figure out a way to put myself out there and just let go. It did hurt my feelings a lot when one of the kids I worked with asked me how it is I managed to make it through life after we were talking about fantasy of some sort and I told her I believed in dragons and unicorns. I didnt bother to mention that believing in that was one of the things that got me through life. What she said was different than what I have been described as before, its not a secret that sometimes I can act a lot younger than I am, or that I still like getting stuffed animals, or watching cartoons. I still color in coloring books and I like having dessert before dinner. I have had kids tell me that I act younger than I am but that my real age still comes out when it has too, I have been told that I am the one bridging the gap between counselors and the kids because I am the one who will go to the playground and play for the fun of it. I have heard a lot of things about my behaviors some good some bad, and I want to say it doesnt matter but it does. I dont want to be seen as being different or odd or weird. I dont want to spend the rest of my life hiding or being afraid of the shadows. Yet for all everyone sees in me, I see nothing but fear and misunderstanding. I still do what im told, i do what is expected of me. I feel guilt over the little things and the big things. For how old I am I havent grown up, I have barely stepped into the world and I dont like what I see. I dont want it at all and so I dont accept it. I ignore a lot of what goes on around me and I prefer to stay as protected as I can in my own little world. In the world I choose to ignore my flaws are pointed out on a daily basis and I cant fight it. There will always be someone more deserving to take my place, someone who I am being compared to for my own good to show who I must be. I wont go as far to say I am an outcast because Im not. I have done the college scene, going out with friends, drinking, partying, having fun because I could, but there was always an emptiness I could never really put a finger on. Even then the people around me protected me in a way. They looked out for me because I was not used to any of that, I learned a little of protecting myself and staying out of trouble but not enough to brave the world alone. Then I found teachers in college who protected me, I found people who generally cared for me and I had no idea how to accept it and it still baffles me. Now I have the place I work, one of the safest places I have ever been, and there I am protected too. My coworker who I have now worked with for almost a full year protects me more than anyone I have ever met. He stands up for me and looks out for me, we spent a week partying in key west and everyone we met knew he came with me and that he wouldnt leave me stranded or alone for to long. and I mean a lot of people knew who we were by t he end of that week and it was one of the best weeks of my life that I can still remember. Is it written somewhere that I must be protected from the world? Is there something about me that says I cant handle the world or things in it? I wonder how long it will be before I really am forced to face everything without protection and what will happen then? I dont know or even understand how to have a relationship or make friends with someone I dont know. I dont know how to relax or be open or talk in general for reasons Im not sure Ill ever be able to understand. There are so many things I have never experienced or gotten to do because I had such a closed off childhood. Not that I remember it but I know mommy knew where I was at all times and if I wasnt with her then I was juts at home. Even know she knows my every move, if Im not at work then I am at home. Maybe there is something wrong with me, really wrong and it just hasnt been pointed out yet. Although with mommy Im sure she will find it eventually and tell me exactly what it is. But would life be easier if I wasnt so stuck in my fantasy world? If I didnt have darn good means of escaping when ever I wanted to or forgetting when things got to be to hard? It is really hard hearing people talk about being a child and things they did as children and I cant remember anything at all. The memory compartment in my brain is broken and everything is lost forever. There are some things I can remember but nothing is complete. I dont know how things got started or why, I remember some of the actions but never the whole story. I dont know what is true and what isnt true. I dont understand why it is I have such a great dislike for myself and thinking im horrible and bad but when asked I cant remember a real definite reason at all. I just know it is something Im supposed to think and so nothing will ever change my mind. It feels like I stick out like a sore thumb because I cant manage to fit in no matter how hard I try. Ill never fit in it seems. Yet, I have to take part in the world, even if it feels like I will disappear at any moment. I pretend and manage to get by with no real questions. Im quick to smile to hide hurt feelings, or ignore questions about how I am, because regardless of everything Im always ok. I always have to be ok and I dont care how close to the edge I manage to get no one world ever know. Why would anyone care? One of my biggest fears is being forgotten, yet im so easy to forget. There is nothing brilliant or special about me. So I know one day I really will disappear and it will be as if I was never there at all.
That is what I think.
That is what I feel.
That is what I see as being true.
Isnt it funny the things I can figure out given enough time. I dont know if I think it would be horribly bad to die alone or to die forgotten.
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