today got off on a good start..i had one of my rare im ok days and decided to go to the library and the bank and out for lunch since i had a gift card...i put the last of my money in the bank and im completely out of options until im paid again and even then it will be like going to bills...i would like to pull a little bit out so i can have some cash on the dc trip..but if its not possible its not possible..and i really wanted something from the zoo this time..im saving the target gift card i got until closer to the trip because i want to use it to buy batteries for my camera..but will see..i may have to give in and just buy some food..but im trying hard not to just snack all day and not eat like a real meal..but then i just get bored and there is nothing to eat ..well more like i just want to eat because there is nothing else to do..so maybe it is good i have no junk food...all day ive been thinking of if i want to use what little extra i have to go and buy dinner tomorrow and i cant decide..ill prolly just wake up tomorrow morning and force myself to go to the store because for some reason i can bring myself to eat oatmeal..i have some but i look at the packages and have no interest at all in eating any of them...i had oatmeal for the first time last semester and that was only because it was down to eat it or starve for the day...i choked down the sweetest one possible and still had to give most of it away...it only took 23 years for me to decide oatmeal was edible but now of course ill only eat one or two flavors and it has to be a life or death situation..for some reason that i dont get i cant do oatmeal..and no idea why it is suddenly so important tonight but it is...so maybe i will..i refuse to tell mommy i could use some extra money..all i hear now is how much she gives me and its like well gee all of my money goes to bills and some i didnt even make! but get the fun chance to pay off...i cant believe i was dumb enough to give her the cards that were in my name..stupid..i never ever want another credit card for as long as i live..i hate debt from school and my car..i hate that my car needs to be fixed and i cant afford it..i hate that i need to go to therapy and i cant afford that either..but dusti is taken care of ! how sad is that..im so happy i got her extra food and stuff when i had extra money..score one for me..but as for all the other stuff its just stressing me out...i really hate that it feels like i was almost lied to about my raise that i didnt get ..ugh..but since it was nicely pointed out that it wouldnt be a good idea to quit without another job lined up i feel better...im trying not to feel guilty and i am waiting but still looking kinda..im not seriously looking until nov/dec though ...so now im just doing my usual thing and going back and forth between if i want to stay or go..because sometimes im positive im going and then my kids do something incredibly nice and its like yep im staying..but then that same day something else will happen with admin and its like nope im leaving..good grief how do i manage to hold a job!! i do i make anyone believe im actually doing a job is a better question because it always feels like im just a step away from going crazy..i dont know how i do it..maybe it only matters that everyone thinks im ok ...yep maybe thats it once again..im depressing myself..
dusti has been funny today..first off one of the only times she peacefully can lay still and let me pet her is when im wandering around in a towel after a shower..i think she just likes the material of the towel but she will stretch her long little body right across my chest and prolly stay there if i never moved her! a bit earlier tonight she was sleeping right next to me and suddenly i have little cat feet poking me in the side lol..she actually stayed that way for a while even with me fidgeting a bit..and its always funny when she is using her head to hit my heads so i keep petting her..
but as usual its 10 and im starting to tired out..seriously its like my off switch is pushed at around 10 and i just get sleepy and tired and nothing can make me think or do anything but go to bed and sleep..every night when im off its the same thing..bed by 11 up by 10..its creepy ive been sleeping later in the morning..i was surprised when i actually slept until 10..i never sleep that late!! weird sleeping patterns these days
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