sometimes i wonder if i want to get better..whatever better might be..i wonder if ive become so comfortable being off and alone and weird and crazy that ill never be able to find a way out thats not suicide...why did i go to therapy for so long when the choice wasnt mine but as soon as the option is left to me i cant get over being scared about it and not able to go back..i dont want to go back and i dont want to be prssured into going back i can feel myself starting to fall apart again..i know its happening and i dont know how to stop it..maybe i dont want to stop it because im so used to it..its comfortable in a way, i know what to expect and its nothing new..its just me..is it so wrong that i have a job and that i can take care of myself half way decently..yes i take care of myself at the lowest possible margin there is for it to still count as taking care of myself but i do it..recluctanly or not i do it..i dont think i want to die but im not completely sure i still want to be here either..things get hard and just go back to the same old habits that never manage to go away..but i can still function on a daily basis..so why should it matter if i throw away food to stop myself from eating or if i cut myself if it helps and im not hurting anyone...it doesnt make sense at all and its really hard trying to make it seem ok when i know its not..i just cant accept that its not ok and that im doing something i shouldnt be doing..funny i think im the only person who feels guilty for thinking about suicide...its not even a big deal because im to much of a coward to do anything but i feel horrible for not being able to handle the small stuff...and still even working where im at now im a picture of control and nothing bothers me..nothing gets to me and thats all that matters right? as long as i can keep up whatever charade it is im playing then it doesnt matter? how long will it be before someone really catches on that im not as ok as i seem all the time...who would i tell..better yet who would believe me?