finally im off again for a few days...im sorry i was upset earlier when sam asked if i would come in early again..i dont want to come in early and i hate being asked because i want to help but especially in the middle of a trip i dont like it..and we are backpacking and rockclimbing on this one..its not long but still..so i didnt give a definite answer but im sure if i was asked again it would turn into a yes ...drainned completly and so very tired right now but unable to sleep. constantly going over whats been going on at work with the kids and then just want is always going on in my wonderful head..there doesnt seem to be a break anywhere..i found out today that mommy is trying to talk nia into coming andvisiting me..and i dont mind but she would be suck here in the apartment for like three days while im working and unable to come home and she cant drive so its not even like she could borrow the car...dont know about that.. im trying to figure out money and work and scheduling so much and its just confusing..i had a kid flat out tell me he doesnt get along with me or jim and that its better with the other two counselors..im like well to bad for you we arent going anywhere! but its so stupid..they tried hard to put the two sets of us against each other but now they know we tell each other exactly what goes on each shift change! i guess its just going to happen that some may like one set over the other and we are really different too..so i have to work at not letting it bother me so much..still really on edge i guess about the restraint stuff again..i hate when the kid blows up and makes it a point to get as many of the others upset and on edge too..the kids are going to bed and the one kid just refuses to leave the cabin and starts yelling and screaming and trying to get them to get up and help him..he seems to not realize that the group as a whole doesnt trust him anymore..they didnt help..they got upset and half my attention was on the kid being restrained and the otoher half is being spilt up trying to keep the rest in bed and calmed down and letting them know it will be ok...and i couldnt even move since i was holding on to his feet to stop him from trying to kick me..and even with all of it going on i couldnt focus..it all felt really detached because this was the first time i was asked to help..normally i just watch and help by talking to the kid without really restraining him..and even though the other counselor had him restrained and put up with all the biting and scratching he told the kid to stop trying to kick me..even when things are all over the place im still the one thats is protected from as much of it as possible...i dont know how it works out like that..and yes we are the youngest there..but most of the time we can hold our own but still there is someone there to protect us and make sure we are ok..and it happens now?! not when we were growing up..i end up with protectors when im supposed to be old enough to take care of myself..i dont get it i guess..does it look like i need to be protected? does it really show that im so young? realistically i know its not really any o fthose because at first they all thought i was older..im still the mature and responsible one..i take what is handed to me without freaking at all..i deal with all the changes and issues and arguments and being called horrible names without yelling ot blowing up at the kids..and still i know that if it comes down to anything the rest of the staff would look out for me..and i dont know what ive done to get that kinda of support i guess..even though they know almost nothingabout me and i havent shared much they still put up with me and the way i am and act..they dont question the scars on my arms or tell me to grow up or take away the disney movies we have watched a million times with the kids..maybe thats what bothers me so much im so used to doing something before anything is given to me...i dont get how things just happen when ive done nothing special..nothing different..why like me or protect when ive done nothing to deserve it?