wondering...stupid

im watching the tyra banks show and its on eating disorders today...and completely ignoring that i was purging like a week ago i still fully stand by my convictions that i dont have an eating disorder..so now that im thinking about it and cursing the st..upid show iwthout saying a word ill just like list my weird food habits and see..not to mention im worried about yvonne because she told me that well one shes in therapy and they want to put her on meds..i went to ecu therapy for almost a year and they never mentioned putting me on meds..given i would have said no anyway..i didnt do meds until i started at the mental health place and that didnt last either..its been mentioned well highly reccommended that i take meds..and i cant have the ones i want so i see no point in getting any at all... i killed my impluse control over the weekend when i fond out dee had vicodin from her surgery and it took every ounce of self control i had to not take some...when i looked at the bottle it was just like ok she has codine..and i didnt think about it much..later she was talking about how she had vicodin and i was like no you dont..i reread the bottle and well it was vicodin..just called something else..there was a bottle of vicodin sitting there and i looked at it for three days and still didnt take any..yet i still keep wondering if she will still have it in may when im back again..in may she wouldnt miss them if i borrowd like 2 or 3..but since she like just had surgery i couldnt take her meds..that wouldnt have been nice..but anyway umm yvonne told me they said she had disordered eating but not a full eating disorder because she didnt starve enough...and yvonne eats a bigger variety than i do..so what exactly does that make me? so im worreid about yvonne for a lot of reasons...so hmm after like an hour break and some stupid things and americas next top model is on!!! new season of its so exciting and my one good obession is back for another season! sure i use it to look at all the skinny girls and get jealous as i do every season..hmm forgot what i was talking about anyway..oh yea weird eating ok umm...not gonna number then because that would make it seem like a really long list
-stopped eating meat to lose weight if i really want to give my first reason
-i dont eat things i cant identify
-im not into models or anything but i watch antm like its a drug
-i watch antm to just see the skinny girls...quite entertaining
-i dont like many vegetables, pasta, rice..corn is not a vegetable and that is still disappointing
-i know how long i can fast before i give in
-i randomly keep track of everything i eat for weeks at a time and then stop like its no big deal
-i cant watch a movie anymore without making comments on who is thin and who isnt
-i stare at ppls bodies and compare
-i eat and throw up..planned and unplanned - but i can stop
-i hate eating in front of someone im not comfortable with
-i throw food away when i dont want it anymore like unopened groceries
-i waste a lot of food for no other reason than not wanting it
-ive taken ephedra it doesnt work for me
-ive taken other diete pills
-ive been asked if i would ever consider surgery to lose weight ..and i would prolly do everything but surgery ugh
-i cook and dont eat it
-i hate being watched while eating
and because im not really paying attention anymore i guess ill finish this later maybe if i remember and ive completely forgotten why i started writing this like 3 hours ago