fall into nothingness

all of it goes back to the same question...hwo far am i willing to let thing go before stopping them? how out of hand does it have to get before i start to care again..what do i have to do to care again..and i know exactly what im doing but i dont really see how to stop any of it..and i dont really know when i crossed the line again and let it all start over..the last couple days have been miserable and i just didnt know how to handle what happened at all...i can even go as far as to say that it happened only because the kid hadnt been taking his medicine for a couple days..not our fault but he couldnt take them because we didnt have them...he blew up all day long and it just so happened that me taking his dreamcatcher from him was the last straw to all of it..jim stepped in after the yelling got started but still what was said cant b e taken back at all..there doesnt seem to be any point at all in bringing all of it up again because its almost like it didnt happen at all..and it just makes it worse because i cant let it go completely..i dont let any of it go completely and all the same im sick and tired of being called everything but my name...its getting old really fast..and its not like its just me or anything because its not..we all get treated like we dont matter at all by some of the kids..and maybe jim and sam and addy and jon know how to deal with it and let it go better than i can..i think about it all the time and cant figure out a way to do it or how to do it or even the point of doing it..its like if i hear it enough then its back to being true..and i dont really care how nice i am or that i dont yell or anything..im still a horrible person and that doesnt seem to be able to change at all...i know if it really came down to it i could tell jim what im thinking, i could tell jon or anna or even aaron buut it wouldnt help..and i wouldnt do that to them anyway..they all have neough to worry about without me adding on to there problems..so what do i do? easy enough i guess if i thought about it..sensible stuff aside what am i going to do? i really want to say i dont know but its fairer to say i just dont care..all day ive been thinking about what i want to do and all of it has something that will hurt in one way or another..i dont say anything and then cant deal with any of it and then just think about all the time until i couldnt make it go away even if i wanted too..systematically going through and throwing away all the food i have in the apartment because i dont want it..im back to thinking about how long i can get away with not eating before jim catches on and he will catch on first just because i work with him and we eat three times a day at work..i could just leave it at dieting and it wouldnt be a big deal at all...but i dont happen to know how to just diet..its either dont eat or eat and throw up..and not that it would be hard to purge i dont want to do it at work..because the kids dont know how to clean and the bathrooms are always gross no matter how much we make them clean them..i carry razors in my coat all the time..dont use them and havent for a couple weeks i think but i still carry them around..march 1st is si awareness day..have to remember that..not that it makes a difference in anything but i just want to remember...one of the kids questioned the scars on my arm the other day...cant say i wasnt expecting it because i was ubt i wasnt expecting him to just say well it looks like you used to cut yourself when i asked where he thought they came from..good for me i was looking directly at him while i was talking to him because he was just working hard at annoying me anyway..and i never got around to agreeing with any of the ideas he came up with about how i got them..i let him go until he changed topics..and its not like i had any good way to tell him to mind his business..i guess it all really gets around to being that i dont like myself much right now and thats about all ...and then i get to think about why i have to be so good at hiding it..jon said i was a brick wall and that whatever is said just bounces off of me...i thought about telling him how wrong he was but he wouldnt have believed me ..nothing bothers me..nothing ever bothers me and im fine and happy and fine