hmmm

sometimes being here and dealing with the kids is like being at home and having to deal with mommy..and here i have to make sure idont react to getting yelled at or cursed at or any of the stuff they throw at me and the other counselors..and this weekend they have been horrible..one broke into the office this morning after yelling at me and i really really really thought he was going to try and hit me...but he didnt and he knows he is in trouble and that he is not going to be getting what he wants at all..but just being there and having to get yelled at without yelling at him or tuning him out or doing anything is really hard and more so the past few days that ive been on and they are all just blowing up at the smallest things makes me nervous...maybe because all of it happens and then things are ok and there is no time to deal with anything on a personal level i guess...we are to busy chsing them around and telling them to not do stuff and to not kill each other..all i want to do at 10 is go to bed and we still have to wake up early in the morning and it all starts all over...today i want to cut a lot and i want to thin ill end up doing it..not sure yet if it bothers me or not but i want to do it..and after ive had the same talk like 6 times in the past 2 days about how you are in control of your behaviors and its like im going to ignore everything ive said completely just to feel better for a little while...short term it makes sense..long term its not cool and i know and im not really sure i care...i know well i think its been like 3 or so weeks since i cut the other time..pretty sure its been at least three and im going to ruin it and suck and feel horrible prolly..and it would prolly be easier to just go and talk to jim but i cant because its a lot more than just the kids are getting to me and im not sure i can explain all of it right now...not really sure what all of it is...hmm kind of becoming an obession right now..back to the usual cant stop thinking about it because i want to do it so much..maybe tmorrow when thigns are back on a set schedule and thtey are in school during the day it will be a little better..hmm all the weird stuff aside im not sure what to talk about right now..kinda zoning out a bit...oh its interesting working with jim because we are so different ...he is loud and im not and he doesnt mind and well he has gotten into the habit of calling me mom and i swear all the kids are going to be picking it up and its weird...out of the four of us counselor type ppl im the most like a parent..but we kind of balance each other out so its cool..ive decided that its really good having a guy and a girl for each set of counselors because two girls wouldnt work out for the best and there couldnt be two guys not with the girl campers..so really cool...jon brought up that if i stay ill be like senior staff next session and i hadnt really thought of it like that but its true...and still really weird because im not sure ill be eany different at all...funny how being here makes me work on eye contact so much more..and i still have to remind myself to keep it but with the kids i try hard to focus on them and stay focused while im talking to them and not letting my eyes wander all over the place..not my idea of fun but its getting some work at least..and im talking more than i usually do so maybe in like 5 years ill be able to talk like a normal person